The diet is still going strong, and both Boyfriend and I have started wearing smaller sized pants. Yay!
However, today was also the first time since the beginning of the diet where I really felt craving for both fruits and cakes. Lots and lots of cakes! Other than cakes, I also wouldn't mind muffins, cookies, cupcakes, tortes, brownies, tarts, chocolate mousse, etc., etc., etc.
Let's hope this goes away by tomorrow, which happens to be -- International Children's Day! More on this later.
5/31/2005
Still Addicted
I just beat Chapter 4! Salazar is history! Thanks, Rocket Launcher!
(For those of you for whom this doesn't make any sense, feel free to skip this post. Just euphoria after some very, very hard work.)
(For those of you for whom this doesn't make any sense, feel free to skip this post. Just euphoria after some very, very hard work.)
5/30/2005
Day 4, 5, 6, and 7
Happy Memorial Day, the day after which it is finally proper to wear open-toe shoes, according to Emily Post and the like.
I have been having such a good time in my long weekend that I have been remiss in my updates, Mea Culpa, for the, um, 5-6 of you who read my blog regularly, and the 10 people or so who dropped by since I last posted. Boyfriend and I were going to go away to Massachusetts this weekend, and he even had a little B&B booked, but we were having so much fun at home that we decided not to go.
Instead, we took a lot of walks, stayed home and watched L&O marathons, relaxed at Starbucks, read a lot, and had a lot of yummy, healthy food.
Yes, our diet is still going very strong. Day 4, 5, 6, and 7 were filled with lots of lean meats, fish, eggs, fresh veggies, and Splenda. No fruits. No starch. No alcohol. And definitely no sugar.
And we are halfway through the strict phase! Yay!
Next Saturday we are flying out to California for a whole week, so for the rest of the week I’m going to make sure everything in the office is in order.
I have been having such a good time in my long weekend that I have been remiss in my updates, Mea Culpa, for the, um, 5-6 of you who read my blog regularly, and the 10 people or so who dropped by since I last posted. Boyfriend and I were going to go away to Massachusetts this weekend, and he even had a little B&B booked, but we were having so much fun at home that we decided not to go.
Instead, we took a lot of walks, stayed home and watched L&O marathons, relaxed at Starbucks, read a lot, and had a lot of yummy, healthy food.
Yes, our diet is still going very strong. Day 4, 5, 6, and 7 were filled with lots of lean meats, fish, eggs, fresh veggies, and Splenda. No fruits. No starch. No alcohol. And definitely no sugar.
And we are halfway through the strict phase! Yay!
Next Saturday we are flying out to California for a whole week, so for the rest of the week I’m going to make sure everything in the office is in order.
I'm Jealous!
Just got an email from friend S who recently suffered a relationship crisis, and is recovering from it. He's on a flight to Berlin!
How I miss Germany!
How I miss Germany!
5/27/2005
Officially Addicted
Okay, so I am now officially addicted to the Resident Evil 4 game. Have been playing it 3-4 hours every night in the past few days, which counts as addicted in my book.
The beginning was difficult and very scary, so I literally had to turn the game off to do other things every few minutes because the tension was just too great. But after a while, after you get the hang of it, it becomes more enjoyable. Still scary, but more manageable.
And that’s when the addiction begins, because your curiosity takes over and you begin to want to play ahead simply to see what happens. But the game is so damned LONG! I have been playing for nearly 20 hours, died many, many times (the game tells me it’s 21), and I’m still in chapter 2! (Okay, so I’m not the best player ever. I’m a girl!)
I’m turning into one of those video game geeks! I wake Boyfriend up to tell him about the “boss” I just killed, including details such as after how many tries, with what weapons, etc. He murmurs some encouragement and tries to go back to sleep.
Occasionally he would watch my progress, and say things like: “wow, this is really scary!” “Who is that guy shooting at you? Why can’t you just be friends?” “When are you going to die so I can hug you?”
Boyfriend is still at the “amused” stage, and I hope it doesn’t turn into “alarm” or “dismay” any time soon, since, after all, Leon Kennedy still has many, many more chapters to go.
The beginning was difficult and very scary, so I literally had to turn the game off to do other things every few minutes because the tension was just too great. But after a while, after you get the hang of it, it becomes more enjoyable. Still scary, but more manageable.
And that’s when the addiction begins, because your curiosity takes over and you begin to want to play ahead simply to see what happens. But the game is so damned LONG! I have been playing for nearly 20 hours, died many, many times (the game tells me it’s 21), and I’m still in chapter 2! (Okay, so I’m not the best player ever. I’m a girl!)
I’m turning into one of those video game geeks! I wake Boyfriend up to tell him about the “boss” I just killed, including details such as after how many tries, with what weapons, etc. He murmurs some encouragement and tries to go back to sleep.
Occasionally he would watch my progress, and say things like: “wow, this is really scary!” “Who is that guy shooting at you? Why can’t you just be friends?” “When are you going to die so I can hug you?”
Boyfriend is still at the “amused” stage, and I hope it doesn’t turn into “alarm” or “dismay” any time soon, since, after all, Leon Kennedy still has many, many more chapters to go.
Day 3
Breakfast: non-fat unsweetened yogurt; a piece of fish.
Lunch: Lots and lots and lots vegetables again, with hummus. Lots of tea. Another one of those awful-tasting Jell-O thing. (I hate them, but bought a whole lot so want to finish them.)
Also ate quite a few pistachios.
Dinner: spinach and tofu soup; kung pao chicken (with Splenda, of course, but the spices, salt, etc. are real), and slices of spinach frittata with homemade salsa (got the recipe from the book).
The spinach frittata tastes amazing and is very easy to make. I highly recommend it.
Boyfriend had pretty much the same things as me.
As usual, made tons and tons of food for eating today for lunch.
All going well…
Lunch: Lots and lots and lots vegetables again, with hummus. Lots of tea. Another one of those awful-tasting Jell-O thing. (I hate them, but bought a whole lot so want to finish them.)
Also ate quite a few pistachios.
Dinner: spinach and tofu soup; kung pao chicken (with Splenda, of course, but the spices, salt, etc. are real), and slices of spinach frittata with homemade salsa (got the recipe from the book).
The spinach frittata tastes amazing and is very easy to make. I highly recommend it.
Boyfriend had pretty much the same things as me.
As usual, made tons and tons of food for eating today for lunch.
All going well…
5/26/2005
Older Man
An unspecified number of years ago today, a little baby boy was born in Los Angeles, California.
He was probably not thrilled about being born and cried a lot over it.
The youngest of four children, he was named after a biblical character and a famous Roman emporer.
A still unspecified number of years later, he met me, and fell in love.
The rest is history.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, today is Boyfriend’s birthday!
To celebrate, tonight we are going out to a restaurant where we went out to dinner for the very first time, on a fateful night more than 2 years ago.
Other festivities will continue throughout the day.
Boyfriend will get a Sirius Satellite Radio receiver. I actually got this for him for Christmas, I mean, um, Hannukah, but never got to actually giving it to him. (You can see that in our household we are not that big on giving gifts.)
In some Asian culture (the more stringent subset), birthday is not supposed to be a celebration of a new life but a remembrance of the mother’s suffering on that day. Being desperately afraid of childbirth myself, I think this interpretation makes a lot of sense.
Will urge Boyfriend to give Mommy a call later today.
He was probably not thrilled about being born and cried a lot over it.
The youngest of four children, he was named after a biblical character and a famous Roman emporer.
A still unspecified number of years later, he met me, and fell in love.
The rest is history.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, today is Boyfriend’s birthday!
To celebrate, tonight we are going out to a restaurant where we went out to dinner for the very first time, on a fateful night more than 2 years ago.
Other festivities will continue throughout the day.
Boyfriend will get a Sirius Satellite Radio receiver. I actually got this for him for Christmas, I mean, um, Hannukah, but never got to actually giving it to him. (You can see that in our household we are not that big on giving gifts.)
In some Asian culture (the more stringent subset), birthday is not supposed to be a celebration of a new life but a remembrance of the mother’s suffering on that day. Being desperately afraid of childbirth myself, I think this interpretation makes a lot of sense.
Will urge Boyfriend to give Mommy a call later today.
5/25/2005
Four Is Not a Crowd
Was chatting with my online friend G today, and suddenly remembered many things from high school.
For some reason, at different phases in my life, my friends always seem to come in threes, so I’m always a part of a group of four. Even in elementary school, this was the case. In college, too.
In high school, for a long time, my best friends were R, W, and T, who were also friends with each other. We were in many of the same classes together, and hung out all the time after school.
Sometimes, before homeroom or in between classes, the four of us would walk side by side in the hallway. Sometimes after school we would all go to R’s house to hang out.
The high point of our friendship was sophomore and junior year. W and I walked from the school to the library nearly every day. T and I had lunch together. R and I took gym and gossiped about everyone else.
Occasionally we would have fights too. R was sometimes mad at W or T for little things, but the friendship continued.
In junior year, even though we saw each other every day in school, R and I began spending a lot of time writing notes to each other. W and I soon began doing the same too. We wrote long, rambling letters every day. When there were snow days and no school we would fax the letters to each other.
We numbered those letters, and I still keep them all in a box. I think I have over 200 letters from R in the end. Still remember reading her notes during class.
And W – still remember her nice handwriting in Chinese, just like she herself, thin, neat, pretty.
Wonder what these friends are doing now. We all went to different colleges and gradually lost touch. I remember that T wanted to be a business woman, and W wanted to go to medical school. Are they following their dreams?
Recently, heard that R is now a devout Christian (she wasn’t in high school) and about to marry a minister. Heard that she is teaching part-time. I remember that she has always liked children.
Hope all of them are doing well – my friends who spent so much happy time with me!
For some reason, at different phases in my life, my friends always seem to come in threes, so I’m always a part of a group of four. Even in elementary school, this was the case. In college, too.
In high school, for a long time, my best friends were R, W, and T, who were also friends with each other. We were in many of the same classes together, and hung out all the time after school.
Sometimes, before homeroom or in between classes, the four of us would walk side by side in the hallway. Sometimes after school we would all go to R’s house to hang out.
The high point of our friendship was sophomore and junior year. W and I walked from the school to the library nearly every day. T and I had lunch together. R and I took gym and gossiped about everyone else.
Occasionally we would have fights too. R was sometimes mad at W or T for little things, but the friendship continued.
In junior year, even though we saw each other every day in school, R and I began spending a lot of time writing notes to each other. W and I soon began doing the same too. We wrote long, rambling letters every day. When there were snow days and no school we would fax the letters to each other.
We numbered those letters, and I still keep them all in a box. I think I have over 200 letters from R in the end. Still remember reading her notes during class.
And W – still remember her nice handwriting in Chinese, just like she herself, thin, neat, pretty.
Wonder what these friends are doing now. We all went to different colleges and gradually lost touch. I remember that T wanted to be a business woman, and W wanted to go to medical school. Are they following their dreams?
Recently, heard that R is now a devout Christian (she wasn’t in high school) and about to marry a minister. Heard that she is teaching part-time. I remember that she has always liked children.
Hope all of them are doing well – my friends who spent so much happy time with me!
Day 2
Day 2 was yesterday. For breakfast, Boyfriend had (as I mentioned yesterday) half an egg-white veggie omelet and a piece of spicy grilled chicken. I had the other half of the omelet and 1% milk.
For lunch, Boyfriend had the leftover salad and the other piece of grilled chicken. I had the huge plate of celery and cauliflower that he didn’t touch, with hummus. Yum!
Finished up with a sugar-free cherry-flavored Jell-O. Yuck. Jell-O really wasn’t very good.
We went out shopping again after work. Boughts TONS of vegetables from Costco. When we were putting the humungous bag of onions, the 2.5 lbs of spinach, the economy-pack celeries and broccoli onto the conveyor belt, Boyfriend shook his head and said: “What are you doing to me?”
“I’m making you more HEALTHY!!”
Dinner was turkey and ham slices, wrapped in a fresh lettuce leaf along with roasted pepper (is that allowed in the Diet? I have no idea. Only had a little bit), tomatoes, and low-fat cheddar and part-skim mozzarella. We also had shrimp with cocktail sauce. For dessert I made the mocha-flavored ricotta crème from a recipe in the book. It’s extremely yummy and easy to make. Boyfriend loved it.
Splenda is a godsend.
As with Day 1, I also made a lot of extra food for eating the next day. Fried 6 pieces of catfish in olive oil and dressed up in soy sauce, Splenda, and chili sauce. YUM! Made another big plate of vegetables. Also, cut up some tofu and stir-fried it with onions and peppers.
Keeping up with a diet is really time-consuming! I can understand now why many people fail. Who has the time? It’s true that after starting the diet, Boyfriend and I are now eating better than before, since I now spend so much time cooking every day, whereas before we would go out to restaurants 4 times a week. But still, doubt that I can keep this up.
Boyfriend and I talked about getting a part-time cook yesterday. May put an ad up today or something, just someone who can come in once in a while to help us prepare our healthy foods.
For lunch, Boyfriend had the leftover salad and the other piece of grilled chicken. I had the huge plate of celery and cauliflower that he didn’t touch, with hummus. Yum!
Finished up with a sugar-free cherry-flavored Jell-O. Yuck. Jell-O really wasn’t very good.
We went out shopping again after work. Boughts TONS of vegetables from Costco. When we were putting the humungous bag of onions, the 2.5 lbs of spinach, the economy-pack celeries and broccoli onto the conveyor belt, Boyfriend shook his head and said: “What are you doing to me?”
“I’m making you more HEALTHY!!”
Dinner was turkey and ham slices, wrapped in a fresh lettuce leaf along with roasted pepper (is that allowed in the Diet? I have no idea. Only had a little bit), tomatoes, and low-fat cheddar and part-skim mozzarella. We also had shrimp with cocktail sauce. For dessert I made the mocha-flavored ricotta crème from a recipe in the book. It’s extremely yummy and easy to make. Boyfriend loved it.
Splenda is a godsend.
As with Day 1, I also made a lot of extra food for eating the next day. Fried 6 pieces of catfish in olive oil and dressed up in soy sauce, Splenda, and chili sauce. YUM! Made another big plate of vegetables. Also, cut up some tofu and stir-fried it with onions and peppers.
Keeping up with a diet is really time-consuming! I can understand now why many people fail. Who has the time? It’s true that after starting the diet, Boyfriend and I are now eating better than before, since I now spend so much time cooking every day, whereas before we would go out to restaurants 4 times a week. But still, doubt that I can keep this up.
Boyfriend and I talked about getting a part-time cook yesterday. May put an ad up today or something, just someone who can come in once in a while to help us prepare our healthy foods.
5/24/2005
Class Matters
The recent series of articles the NYT published on class is fascinating. I have read every single article so far, and did their interactive feature to see where I am in relations to the rest of America (education – higher than 99%, or at least will be; income – nowhere near there.).
I was also amused that for Americans, lawyers are the second most prestigious occupation, directly after “physicians and surgeons”.
The most interesting article so far is one about marriage across class lines: a working-class guy marrying a very wealthy woman. The stresses they said they have to deal with in their marriage is very realistic and occasionally made me cringe.
The article could have gone a little deeper and really talk about some of the social and cultural differences, like differences in their habits or vocabulary, rather than just generically about psychological resentment (“Her children had the opportunity my children never had”). But it’s still pretty interesting.
I can never imagine myself living with stresses like these. Isn’t just having a relationship itself, the logistics of two people living together and planning a life together, already complicated enough without these added issues of status, financial control, and power?
Also, the article about how 3 New Yorkers in different socio-economic classes received different treatment after a heart attack is also interesting, though hardly surprising. What else is money for, if not getting these advantages, both small and large, obvious and subtle, in your life?
I was also amused that for Americans, lawyers are the second most prestigious occupation, directly after “physicians and surgeons”.
The most interesting article so far is one about marriage across class lines: a working-class guy marrying a very wealthy woman. The stresses they said they have to deal with in their marriage is very realistic and occasionally made me cringe.
The article could have gone a little deeper and really talk about some of the social and cultural differences, like differences in their habits or vocabulary, rather than just generically about psychological resentment (“Her children had the opportunity my children never had”). But it’s still pretty interesting.
I can never imagine myself living with stresses like these. Isn’t just having a relationship itself, the logistics of two people living together and planning a life together, already complicated enough without these added issues of status, financial control, and power?
Also, the article about how 3 New Yorkers in different socio-economic classes received different treatment after a heart attack is also interesting, though hardly surprising. What else is money for, if not getting these advantages, both small and large, obvious and subtle, in your life?
Day 1 on the South Beach
Day 1 was actually yesterday, but was busy cooking all evening so didn’t get a chance to write.
I read that the first 2-3 days are the hardest in the Diet, and afterwards, once you are used to it, it’s a lot easier. Yesterday was mainly difficult because we didn’t have the right ingredients in the house, no meat or vegetable that would be yummy when grilled or stir-fried.
For breakfast, had nonfat unsweetened Greek yogurt. Had honey, though, which was not allowed. Oops.
For lunch, grilled me and my boyfriend each a piece of frozen tuna I found in the freezer, along with some string beans and red bell pepper.
It was okay, but not great, mainly due to the fact that I couldn’t put sugar in the sauce, and didn’t yet find the stash of Splenda packets.
Found the packets of Splenda afterwards, which I have been using and which works amazingly well.
After work, Boyfriend and I went shopping. I compiled a shopping list made from the South Beach Diet book. Mostly, I looked for vegetables and spices. We also bought lots of chicken filet and eggs. I also bought a whole bunch of sugar-free popsicles and sugar-free desserts for me and Boyfriend. He has a sweet tooth so these supplies are going to be instrumental in helping him stay satisfied and on the diet.
Made a big salad with spicy grilled chicken for Boyfriend and me for dinner, and also fried us an egg each. Was yummy. While Boyfriend watched TV, I read more from the book.
Apparently, eating white bread or other processed starch is just like eating straight from the sugar bowl. Scary!!
Going shopping again this afternoon to get some ingredients for recipes published at the end of the book, some of which look quite yummy.
Made a LOT of extra food last night, because Boyfriend gets up earlier than me and tends to snack on unhealthy things then. (He eats like entire cakes while I’m asleep!) So I cut up celeries and cauliflowers that he can eat with hummus, I also have lots of left over salad, two pieces of left over chicken, and a huge vegetable omelets. Put all of these in plates and wrapped with saran wrap and put on the kitchen table.
This morning when I got up, he had eaten half of the veggie omelet and a piece of grilled chicken. Didn’t touch the celery sticks and the cauliflowers, though.
Okay, okay, baby steps…
I read that the first 2-3 days are the hardest in the Diet, and afterwards, once you are used to it, it’s a lot easier. Yesterday was mainly difficult because we didn’t have the right ingredients in the house, no meat or vegetable that would be yummy when grilled or stir-fried.
For breakfast, had nonfat unsweetened Greek yogurt. Had honey, though, which was not allowed. Oops.
For lunch, grilled me and my boyfriend each a piece of frozen tuna I found in the freezer, along with some string beans and red bell pepper.
It was okay, but not great, mainly due to the fact that I couldn’t put sugar in the sauce, and didn’t yet find the stash of Splenda packets.
Found the packets of Splenda afterwards, which I have been using and which works amazingly well.
After work, Boyfriend and I went shopping. I compiled a shopping list made from the South Beach Diet book. Mostly, I looked for vegetables and spices. We also bought lots of chicken filet and eggs. I also bought a whole bunch of sugar-free popsicles and sugar-free desserts for me and Boyfriend. He has a sweet tooth so these supplies are going to be instrumental in helping him stay satisfied and on the diet.
Made a big salad with spicy grilled chicken for Boyfriend and me for dinner, and also fried us an egg each. Was yummy. While Boyfriend watched TV, I read more from the book.
Apparently, eating white bread or other processed starch is just like eating straight from the sugar bowl. Scary!!
Going shopping again this afternoon to get some ingredients for recipes published at the end of the book, some of which look quite yummy.
Made a LOT of extra food last night, because Boyfriend gets up earlier than me and tends to snack on unhealthy things then. (He eats like entire cakes while I’m asleep!) So I cut up celeries and cauliflowers that he can eat with hummus, I also have lots of left over salad, two pieces of left over chicken, and a huge vegetable omelets. Put all of these in plates and wrapped with saran wrap and put on the kitchen table.
This morning when I got up, he had eaten half of the veggie omelet and a piece of grilled chicken. Didn’t touch the celery sticks and the cauliflowers, though.
Okay, okay, baby steps…
5/23/2005
New Diet Plan
Once again, traveling and the two events took their toll. Couldn’t do anything useful yesterday, all day.
Got up extremely early yesterday though. To celebrate this rare event (and to celebrate the fact that I finally got my Hilton Honors American Express card), Boyfriend and I went to the Sunday brunch at a resort hotel in Westbrook.
It was expensive, but amazing, and worth every penny. You sit in these beautiful rooms overlooking the water (too bad it was rainy yesterday). Food was healthy and very delicious. My favorite is lox with a yummy dip, and a spicy tuna roll with soy sauce.
We also had roast beef, custom-made omlettes, lots of seafood, hummus, wasabi-flavored potato gratin, and lots of dessert.
On the way back, stopped at the Premium Outlet at Clinton. Boyfriend went to his favorite store Polo while I looked at shoes at Bass and Nine West. I recently went into Nine West for the first time in several years, and was shocked at how they seemed to have completely remade their image from a rugged, mostly leather shoe store into this sexy, feminine store with nothing but slinky high heels.
Bought four pair of shoes and very happy with my purchases. (Yes, please read my description as self-proclaimed material girl. Material things really CAN improve your mood. I feel happy every time I look at my new green Tumi messenger bag.)
Came home, napped for a bit, then went to Costco for some grocery shopping. While at Costco, I randomly picked up a book – “The South Beach Diet”, and couldn’t put it down. It’s well-written and easy to read. No wonder it was so popular!
Bought the book, got home and read some more, all the while becoming more and more convinced. Remembered also that I read a Slate article a while ago that talked about different types of diets, and the author raved about how effective this diet is.
Thinking of trying it. Boyfriend has put on a little weight and the both of us could eat a lot healthier (way too much fast food and pre-cooked meals in our daily meals).
So this afternoon, if I’m not too tired, we’ll go shopping and buy tons of vegetables and fresh meats, and I’ll cook meals that conform to the South Beach Diet in the next 2 weeks.
Let’s see how long this lasts.
At night, played a little RE, watched some L&O, read more from the book “The Tipping Point”, and finally went to sleep around 1:30.
Throat began hurting a lot overnight. I think it’s because of allergies. Woke up at 8:30 and have been working from home until now. Perhaps will check in at the office later today.
Got up extremely early yesterday though. To celebrate this rare event (and to celebrate the fact that I finally got my Hilton Honors American Express card), Boyfriend and I went to the Sunday brunch at a resort hotel in Westbrook.
It was expensive, but amazing, and worth every penny. You sit in these beautiful rooms overlooking the water (too bad it was rainy yesterday). Food was healthy and very delicious. My favorite is lox with a yummy dip, and a spicy tuna roll with soy sauce.
We also had roast beef, custom-made omlettes, lots of seafood, hummus, wasabi-flavored potato gratin, and lots of dessert.
On the way back, stopped at the Premium Outlet at Clinton. Boyfriend went to his favorite store Polo while I looked at shoes at Bass and Nine West. I recently went into Nine West for the first time in several years, and was shocked at how they seemed to have completely remade their image from a rugged, mostly leather shoe store into this sexy, feminine store with nothing but slinky high heels.
Bought four pair of shoes and very happy with my purchases. (Yes, please read my description as self-proclaimed material girl. Material things really CAN improve your mood. I feel happy every time I look at my new green Tumi messenger bag.)
Came home, napped for a bit, then went to Costco for some grocery shopping. While at Costco, I randomly picked up a book – “The South Beach Diet”, and couldn’t put it down. It’s well-written and easy to read. No wonder it was so popular!
Bought the book, got home and read some more, all the while becoming more and more convinced. Remembered also that I read a Slate article a while ago that talked about different types of diets, and the author raved about how effective this diet is.
Thinking of trying it. Boyfriend has put on a little weight and the both of us could eat a lot healthier (way too much fast food and pre-cooked meals in our daily meals).
So this afternoon, if I’m not too tired, we’ll go shopping and buy tons of vegetables and fresh meats, and I’ll cook meals that conform to the South Beach Diet in the next 2 weeks.
Let’s see how long this lasts.
At night, played a little RE, watched some L&O, read more from the book “The Tipping Point”, and finally went to sleep around 1:30.
Throat began hurting a lot overnight. I think it’s because of allergies. Woke up at 8:30 and have been working from home until now. Perhaps will check in at the office later today.
5/22/2005
I Need a Man Like This
Back home now with Boyfriend. Spent a very pleasant and low-key evening.
Read the following on a Chinese website. Absolutely agree with it and translated this post into English.
Boyfriend actually fits most of this.
I NEED A MAN LIKE THIS
- A little shy, but once said “I love you” loudly as we parted on the street.
- Keeps his word.
- Is never late -- but is not mad when I’m late.
- Hugs me for a long time, tightly – each time I get up I almost need to slightly push him away.
- Goes to sleep a little later than me. Wakes up a little earlier.
- Whispers my name when he wakes up – and it's not the wrong name.
- Remembers my birthday, shoe size, password, what I’m most scared of.
- Wouldn't laugh at me when I scream at an insect.
- Walking to a garden in the morning after the rain, we use little branches to take the worms on the road back to the grass… he helps me.
- Looks like a trickster when he laughs – but is not.
- When I’m sick, he takes a day off from work to take me to the doctor. On the way back, buys me an ice cream as reward.
- Never drinks before he drives. Asks me to put my seatbelt on.
- Helps me do housework, every day, while chatting with me.
- Often helps others, for no reason.
- Promises me that he would never do it, then never does it.
- Whistles while he fixes the toilet.
- Says: I wish you were my daughter.
- Can give him the yolk of a hard-boiled egg to eat.
- Walking together in the rain, he carries me through a puddle; says: “Wouldn't mind if you put on a little more weight.”
- Does not leave the room while we are arguing.
- Admits his mistakes.
- Reads the instruction for a hair removal cream, then teaches me how to use it.
- Laughs when I tell a joke.
- When I see a dress I like in 3 different colors; he says: “Why don’t you try on all three?”
- While I try shoes on, he folds my cartoon socks and puts them into his shirt pocket.
- Often says: “Don’t worry, there's me!”
- When something bad happens, only tells me afterwards, casually.
- Has clean, short nails. Likes it when I cut his nails.
- Likes every dish I make; asks me to make it again tomorrow.
- Children love him; often comes home with muddy pants because he had been playing with them downstairs.
- Easily opens soda bottle that I couldn’t open.
- When I’m busy, reserves a plane ticket for me and tells me to take my parents on vacation.
- Tells me I can call him 24-hours a day.
- Tells me not to be stingy about money.
- Volunteers to give blood; brings me back a cookie they give out at the clinic.
- Secretly buys a “double raincoat” [PB: I guess this is a raincoat that two people can wear at the same time] and puts it in the car.
- I like to go barefoot. He puts a little sheepskin rug under the passenger seat.
- When leaves notes for me, draws a little tiger head as his signature.
- Occasionally calls me Mom.
- Stutters when he lies.
- When arguing with others, sounds like he’s explaining.
- Taught me how to rollerblade; Ran about a 1,000 kilometers with me.
- Never chats online.
- His secretary says she would help him sew the button that are loose on his shirt. He says: Thanks, but not thanks.
- Gives me not flowers but plants. Helps to water them for me.
- Plays boardgames with me. Allows me to take back moves.
- Actually told his parents about me very early on.
- Likes to exercise. Takes me to his gym.
- Still fits into his jeans from 10 years ago.
- Has a big dog. His dog likes me.
- When we argue and I tell him to give me back the teddy bear I gave him, he absolutely refuses.
Read the following on a Chinese website. Absolutely agree with it and translated this post into English.
Boyfriend actually fits most of this.
I NEED A MAN LIKE THIS
- A little shy, but once said “I love you” loudly as we parted on the street.
- Keeps his word.
- Is never late -- but is not mad when I’m late.
- Hugs me for a long time, tightly – each time I get up I almost need to slightly push him away.
- Goes to sleep a little later than me. Wakes up a little earlier.
- Whispers my name when he wakes up – and it's not the wrong name.
- Remembers my birthday, shoe size, password, what I’m most scared of.
- Wouldn't laugh at me when I scream at an insect.
- Walking to a garden in the morning after the rain, we use little branches to take the worms on the road back to the grass… he helps me.
- Looks like a trickster when he laughs – but is not.
- When I’m sick, he takes a day off from work to take me to the doctor. On the way back, buys me an ice cream as reward.
- Never drinks before he drives. Asks me to put my seatbelt on.
- Helps me do housework, every day, while chatting with me.
- Often helps others, for no reason.
- Promises me that he would never do it, then never does it.
- Whistles while he fixes the toilet.
- Says: I wish you were my daughter.
- Can give him the yolk of a hard-boiled egg to eat.
- Walking together in the rain, he carries me through a puddle; says: “Wouldn't mind if you put on a little more weight.”
- Does not leave the room while we are arguing.
- Admits his mistakes.
- Reads the instruction for a hair removal cream, then teaches me how to use it.
- Laughs when I tell a joke.
- When I see a dress I like in 3 different colors; he says: “Why don’t you try on all three?”
- While I try shoes on, he folds my cartoon socks and puts them into his shirt pocket.
- Often says: “Don’t worry, there's me!”
- When something bad happens, only tells me afterwards, casually.
- Has clean, short nails. Likes it when I cut his nails.
- Likes every dish I make; asks me to make it again tomorrow.
- Children love him; often comes home with muddy pants because he had been playing with them downstairs.
- Easily opens soda bottle that I couldn’t open.
- When I’m busy, reserves a plane ticket for me and tells me to take my parents on vacation.
- Tells me I can call him 24-hours a day.
- Tells me not to be stingy about money.
- Volunteers to give blood; brings me back a cookie they give out at the clinic.
- Secretly buys a “double raincoat” [PB: I guess this is a raincoat that two people can wear at the same time] and puts it in the car.
- I like to go barefoot. He puts a little sheepskin rug under the passenger seat.
- When leaves notes for me, draws a little tiger head as his signature.
- Occasionally calls me Mom.
- Stutters when he lies.
- When arguing with others, sounds like he’s explaining.
- Taught me how to rollerblade; Ran about a 1,000 kilometers with me.
- Never chats online.
- His secretary says she would help him sew the button that are loose on his shirt. He says: Thanks, but not thanks.
- Gives me not flowers but plants. Helps to water them for me.
- Plays boardgames with me. Allows me to take back moves.
- Actually told his parents about me very early on.
- Likes to exercise. Takes me to his gym.
- Still fits into his jeans from 10 years ago.
- Has a big dog. His dog likes me.
- When we argue and I tell him to give me back the teddy bear I gave him, he absolutely refuses.
5/20/2005
Nice Day
Had a nice day today. In the morning, the event went extremely well, and all parties were very satisfied. Got home around 2:30, and Dad made lunch for me. Yummy! Talked with him a bit about my recent fascination with being a lawyer in the army or navy.
Around 4:30, left home to drive to Princeton to meet A, a high school friend that I haven’t seen in, like, 5 years. Actually, come to think of it, I haven’t seen any of my high school friends for a long time, and A is the first one that I have reconnected with in a long, long time.
We bought pastry from a little French pastry shop off Nassau St, went to the campus center café to have them, and had a really nice conversation. We also walked around the Princeton campus a little bit. I have never notice how pretty the Princeton campus is until today. I think it’s leagues better than my alma mater, which does not have as many tress and nice walking paths.
I have many thoughts about my conversation with A today, but right now am in sensory overload and seriously need to rest.
Drove home around 8:00. Had a nice dinner with parents and drank a lot of sake with my dad (yes I think this is who I inherited my alcoholism from). We talked more about law school (the perennial subject these days). Chatted online with Boyfriend, who was watching L&O Trial by Jury.
Played a little bit of Nintendo DS just to relax myself after dinner, and think I’ll be going to sleep now. All in all, an extremely nice day.
Around 4:30, left home to drive to Princeton to meet A, a high school friend that I haven’t seen in, like, 5 years. Actually, come to think of it, I haven’t seen any of my high school friends for a long time, and A is the first one that I have reconnected with in a long, long time.
We bought pastry from a little French pastry shop off Nassau St, went to the campus center café to have them, and had a really nice conversation. We also walked around the Princeton campus a little bit. I have never notice how pretty the Princeton campus is until today. I think it’s leagues better than my alma mater, which does not have as many tress and nice walking paths.
I have many thoughts about my conversation with A today, but right now am in sensory overload and seriously need to rest.
Drove home around 8:00. Had a nice dinner with parents and drank a lot of sake with my dad (yes I think this is who I inherited my alcoholism from). We talked more about law school (the perennial subject these days). Chatted online with Boyfriend, who was watching L&O Trial by Jury.
Played a little bit of Nintendo DS just to relax myself after dinner, and think I’ll be going to sleep now. All in all, an extremely nice day.
5/19/2005
Introspection, Part Two
One of the good things about having a blog that nobody reads is that I can basically write whatever I want here. It really is my online journal.
Boyfriend’s renovation project encountered some unexpected difficulty yesterday. One of his most trusted and most talented workers suddenly decided to quit, and this throws off the entire renovation schedule, and might affect our summer/fall moving schedule as well. Not to mention, this adds enormously to his workload.
This is really unfortunate.
Part of the reason I have been feeling so much anxiety about law school (and there are many reasons, which I will perhaps enumerate in a later post) is because of Boyfriend.
Asking him to uproot his whole life and just move to another place is a huge, scary, momentous step. What if things don’t work out between us? What if we end up breaking up? Then he will have taken this huge costly risk for nothing, and I will bear the responsibility for it all.
Boyfriend is at a stage in his life where moving is a much bigger deal than if he were, well, my age. A year lost when you are 25 or 26 is not too big a deal, especially if you are a man. A year lost when you are older is much more costly, and I am scared about being the primary reason for messing up his life.
…And yet, a long distance relationship is out of the question. Every day apart would be so excruciating.
These are the thoughts that go through my mind again and again, every single day. I think about it until my head hurts, but I make no progress.
Realistically speaking, I don’t think I am built for a long distance relationship. I need cuddling. I need physical presence. When someone is far apart from me he seems less real, almost like an abstraction, an idea, just a figment of my imagination. I become detached, unemotional. I fall out of love because I cannot physically feel the intimacy. I also fall out of love because the separation is unbearable and my emotional defense mechanism kicks in.
I cannot have relationship with a phone (or in our case, most likely IM) anymore. Over time I would surely begin to feel resentful that he is not there for me when I need him, even if intellectually I understand the reasons. Even if I myself participated in making those decisions.
The last time (and the only time, hopefully) I had a long-distance relationship was with E. When I was in Germany on my fellowship and he was in the States, we talked over the decision over and over again before I left, and we agreed that we would try to make a long-distance relationship work.
Still, whenever I encountered any difficulty in Germany, whether it was the stupid Deutsche Telekom (the phone company) not showing up when they said they would (three times in a row), or some German kids yelling obscenities at me because I’m Asian, or just the sheer frustration and exhaustion from having to speak another language all day every day, I couldn’t help feeling resentful that he was not there for me, when I needed his help and guidance the most.
That year took a lot out of me emotionally. We talked on the phone at least 2 hours per night. Sometimes much more. I would still up ‘til 5 or even 6 to talk to him 5 hours at a time. We spent literally thousands of dollars on cheap phone cards. Sometimes I would use 2 or 3 cards in the same night.
Those were not happy memories. There were weeks when we would have fights over the phone every night, violently. I would hang up on him, cry until my pillows were soaked through, and then call him back. In those moments, not being able to physically be with him was terrible.
Or he would call me back. We would get into a fight again and hang up on each other. And then call each other again. I would cry into the phone for 40 minutes straight. I would spend entire nights doing this and spend my days sleeping. My life was completely out of balance and spiraling out of control.
And then there were weeks, months even, that I felt fine. Didn’t even miss him that much. But then something happens and the cycle would start again.
By the end of that year, our stack of used phone cards was several inches tall, and I was emotionally exhausted. Out of that exhaustion I thought we would at last be calm.
We traveled through Eastern Europe together at the end of the summer and fought all the way through, invariably for some stupid reasons. We fought in Budapest and made up in the city square. I was angry one afternoon and left him in the hotel room and climbed this mountain in the city weeping. I loved him but I felt constantly wounded by him and constantly wounded by the imperfections in our relationship.
… and then came back to the States, where we were supposed to live happily ever after, after having weathered through so much. We thought we knew each other through and through.
I feel a lot of sadness as I type this.
There are a lot of things I would like to sort through about E eventually.
One of the things that keeps churning and churning in my mind in the past few years is whether I did the right thing with him. I think about him often, not in a passionate, loving way, but almost as if I am thinking about myself, my childhood, my youth, my innocence. Leaving him is like growing up and leaving your childhood self behind. You know you have to and there is no other way, and yet…
Since I am very fatalistic, I sometimes think that whether I did the right thing with E (in retrospect) is going to be a test and a symbol for whether I have made the right choices for my entire adult life. I abandoned one path for another; I cast off a part of myself to have the possibility of other parts. Was this the right thing to do? I will only know much later.
I have never felt regret for anything in my life (other than regrets about the human condition in general). But I do feel longing for every piece of myself that I lost by having to make choices, and I have lost so many pieces. It haunts me that those are pieces of me that I would never regain, or worse yet, possibilities of me that would never be realized because I have chosen one life and not another. I feel a lot of sadness as I go through life having to cast off one possibility after another, all irrevocably, like my leaving E.
It’s like throwing a part of myself away in pursuit of a new self. I didn’t know at the time that I would always feel that loss. I know that now.
Boyfriend’s renovation project encountered some unexpected difficulty yesterday. One of his most trusted and most talented workers suddenly decided to quit, and this throws off the entire renovation schedule, and might affect our summer/fall moving schedule as well. Not to mention, this adds enormously to his workload.
This is really unfortunate.
Part of the reason I have been feeling so much anxiety about law school (and there are many reasons, which I will perhaps enumerate in a later post) is because of Boyfriend.
Asking him to uproot his whole life and just move to another place is a huge, scary, momentous step. What if things don’t work out between us? What if we end up breaking up? Then he will have taken this huge costly risk for nothing, and I will bear the responsibility for it all.
Boyfriend is at a stage in his life where moving is a much bigger deal than if he were, well, my age. A year lost when you are 25 or 26 is not too big a deal, especially if you are a man. A year lost when you are older is much more costly, and I am scared about being the primary reason for messing up his life.
…And yet, a long distance relationship is out of the question. Every day apart would be so excruciating.
These are the thoughts that go through my mind again and again, every single day. I think about it until my head hurts, but I make no progress.
Realistically speaking, I don’t think I am built for a long distance relationship. I need cuddling. I need physical presence. When someone is far apart from me he seems less real, almost like an abstraction, an idea, just a figment of my imagination. I become detached, unemotional. I fall out of love because I cannot physically feel the intimacy. I also fall out of love because the separation is unbearable and my emotional defense mechanism kicks in.
I cannot have relationship with a phone (or in our case, most likely IM) anymore. Over time I would surely begin to feel resentful that he is not there for me when I need him, even if intellectually I understand the reasons. Even if I myself participated in making those decisions.
The last time (and the only time, hopefully) I had a long-distance relationship was with E. When I was in Germany on my fellowship and he was in the States, we talked over the decision over and over again before I left, and we agreed that we would try to make a long-distance relationship work.
Still, whenever I encountered any difficulty in Germany, whether it was the stupid Deutsche Telekom (the phone company) not showing up when they said they would (three times in a row), or some German kids yelling obscenities at me because I’m Asian, or just the sheer frustration and exhaustion from having to speak another language all day every day, I couldn’t help feeling resentful that he was not there for me, when I needed his help and guidance the most.
That year took a lot out of me emotionally. We talked on the phone at least 2 hours per night. Sometimes much more. I would still up ‘til 5 or even 6 to talk to him 5 hours at a time. We spent literally thousands of dollars on cheap phone cards. Sometimes I would use 2 or 3 cards in the same night.
Those were not happy memories. There were weeks when we would have fights over the phone every night, violently. I would hang up on him, cry until my pillows were soaked through, and then call him back. In those moments, not being able to physically be with him was terrible.
Or he would call me back. We would get into a fight again and hang up on each other. And then call each other again. I would cry into the phone for 40 minutes straight. I would spend entire nights doing this and spend my days sleeping. My life was completely out of balance and spiraling out of control.
And then there were weeks, months even, that I felt fine. Didn’t even miss him that much. But then something happens and the cycle would start again.
By the end of that year, our stack of used phone cards was several inches tall, and I was emotionally exhausted. Out of that exhaustion I thought we would at last be calm.
We traveled through Eastern Europe together at the end of the summer and fought all the way through, invariably for some stupid reasons. We fought in Budapest and made up in the city square. I was angry one afternoon and left him in the hotel room and climbed this mountain in the city weeping. I loved him but I felt constantly wounded by him and constantly wounded by the imperfections in our relationship.
… and then came back to the States, where we were supposed to live happily ever after, after having weathered through so much. We thought we knew each other through and through.
I feel a lot of sadness as I type this.
There are a lot of things I would like to sort through about E eventually.
One of the things that keeps churning and churning in my mind in the past few years is whether I did the right thing with him. I think about him often, not in a passionate, loving way, but almost as if I am thinking about myself, my childhood, my youth, my innocence. Leaving him is like growing up and leaving your childhood self behind. You know you have to and there is no other way, and yet…
Since I am very fatalistic, I sometimes think that whether I did the right thing with E (in retrospect) is going to be a test and a symbol for whether I have made the right choices for my entire adult life. I abandoned one path for another; I cast off a part of myself to have the possibility of other parts. Was this the right thing to do? I will only know much later.
I have never felt regret for anything in my life (other than regrets about the human condition in general). But I do feel longing for every piece of myself that I lost by having to make choices, and I have lost so many pieces. It haunts me that those are pieces of me that I would never regain, or worse yet, possibilities of me that would never be realized because I have chosen one life and not another. I feel a lot of sadness as I go through life having to cast off one possibility after another, all irrevocably, like my leaving E.
It’s like throwing a part of myself away in pursuit of a new self. I didn’t know at the time that I would always feel that loss. I know that now.
Hopefully Not Deaf
Event this morning went very well.
Afterwards, as I was breaking down the AV equipment and such, the fire drill in the school rang.
The teacher had warned me about the fire drill in advance. But I had thought it was going to be one of those little fire drills that was over in 15 minutes, like the kind that we used to have in my high school.
So I was shocked when the fire drill turned out to be this humungous deal. Apparently it was more than a fire drill, but a “disaster evacuation drill”, and it was the first time the school had ever done it so everyone was taking it very, very seriously.
After standing outside for 15 minutes (with me worrying all the time that the sunlight was going to undo all my Clinique White Lab efforts this winter), the students were ALL walking to this other high school about one and a half mile away.
In the meanwhile, the whole school was in lockdown and no one was allowed to go back in, and the whole thing was going to take like an hour.
I was pretty irritated and dismayed by this point, because I did NOT feel like either walking to some high school 1.5 miles away or wait around in the blazing sun for people to come back from their nice little spring walk. Thankfully, about 20 minutes later, after the students have left, a school administrator walked by and happened to see me, and took pity on me and opened one of the school doors for me.
This was one of the schools that locks every single door except for one in the front, so their students can’t escape. In addition, all the doors have combination locks on them, and ordinary teachers don’t know the combination. In other words, it’s like a prison camp.
Weird because the school is in a very nice, very expensive part of New Jersey.
Anyway, after I went back inside, I realized why I did NOT want to be there. The fire alarm was still on, and it was the loudest, most excruciating and unpleasant screeching noise ever. I needed to hold my ears to not feel actual pain.
I ran to the bathroom and made some earplugs out of toilet paper. This dulled the noise somewhat and made it bearable.
Then I worked for another hour, with toilet papers in my ear.
I must really really love my job to do this and still feel good at the end of the day.
My ears are still ringing a little bit now. I hope I didn’t permanently damage them.
Afterwards, as I was breaking down the AV equipment and such, the fire drill in the school rang.
The teacher had warned me about the fire drill in advance. But I had thought it was going to be one of those little fire drills that was over in 15 minutes, like the kind that we used to have in my high school.
So I was shocked when the fire drill turned out to be this humungous deal. Apparently it was more than a fire drill, but a “disaster evacuation drill”, and it was the first time the school had ever done it so everyone was taking it very, very seriously.
After standing outside for 15 minutes (with me worrying all the time that the sunlight was going to undo all my Clinique White Lab efforts this winter), the students were ALL walking to this other high school about one and a half mile away.
In the meanwhile, the whole school was in lockdown and no one was allowed to go back in, and the whole thing was going to take like an hour.
I was pretty irritated and dismayed by this point, because I did NOT feel like either walking to some high school 1.5 miles away or wait around in the blazing sun for people to come back from their nice little spring walk. Thankfully, about 20 minutes later, after the students have left, a school administrator walked by and happened to see me, and took pity on me and opened one of the school doors for me.
This was one of the schools that locks every single door except for one in the front, so their students can’t escape. In addition, all the doors have combination locks on them, and ordinary teachers don’t know the combination. In other words, it’s like a prison camp.
Weird because the school is in a very nice, very expensive part of New Jersey.
Anyway, after I went back inside, I realized why I did NOT want to be there. The fire alarm was still on, and it was the loudest, most excruciating and unpleasant screeching noise ever. I needed to hold my ears to not feel actual pain.
I ran to the bathroom and made some earplugs out of toilet paper. This dulled the noise somewhat and made it bearable.
Then I worked for another hour, with toilet papers in my ear.
I must really really love my job to do this and still feel good at the end of the day.
My ears are still ringing a little bit now. I hope I didn’t permanently damage them.
5/18/2005
Introspection, Part One (Or, Confessions of a Pessimist)
I’m in northern New Jersey now, in the hotel.
Did not want to leave today, and was upset in the morning. My mood was fragile and didn’t think I could stand so many days away from home, from Boyfriend. Felt a strange anxiety; wanted to be home to make sure everything was still okay.
Once I was on the road, I felt calmer. I realized that traveling alone, while not as fun as traveling with Boyfriend, does give me the chance to think through things uninterrupted. When I’m with people I’m too outward looking, too concerned with being pleasant and liked. Only when I’m alone can I really think my own thoughts.
Perhaps the next three days I will use the chance to sort things out.
I am so totally manic-depressive. I exhibit classic symptoms. I have periods of elation, light-heartedness, and joy. Then I have bouts of intense sadness and dark thoughts. Rationality does not help in those moments. It’s no use to think about how absurd it is that I feel depressed, when I should have so many things I feel good about.
I have a job that interests me, when many people are unemployed or hate their jobs.
I have a boyfriend who is kind and patient and loving. He knows how to comfort me and when to leave me alone.
I have a “bright future” ahead of me. I am going to a law school that sounds very good on paper.
I have loving, supportive, and liberal parents, who listen to me and who are close to me, even though we don’t always agree.
I am healthy and, other than my possible alcoholism and my aforementioned manic-depressiveness, have no major illnesses.
I live in a country that is easy to move around in, easy to move out of, that offers me a lot of flexibility and freedom (although this freedom sometimes terrifies me).
I should be happy all the time, but I’m not. What depress me are often not concrete and specific things but abstract, philosophical questions. I think about the fleetingness of life, the fragility of relationships, the inevitability of change, lost loves and faded friendships, the largeness of universe and our own insignificance. And I am amazed how everyone can go about as if they do not carry wounds, as if they will not die someday.
In high school I once had a conversation with a girl in my class that I really didn’t know very well, not before and not since. But that afternoon we met in the library and began talking. Mostly, I was talking about these things. Afterwards, she joked that it was the most depressing conversation she had ever had.
But these thoughts are with me every day, like old friends. In the same frequency as men think about sex (which I guess is once every 5 seconds or something) I think about how everything must change, must end, and how we can never go back to what we once were, that every day lost is a day we will never see again. Sometimes these thoughts do not affect me. Sometimes they affect me deeply. But they are there no matter what.
In college I learned that my friend S took Zoloft because if he didn’t, he would have obsessive fear of death. I am pretty much the same way, though my obsession is not as specific as fear of death but fear of change, of endings, in general. When I’m happy, in the back of my mind there is always a voice that asks: “Is this the happiest I will ever be? Will it all be downhill from here?” When I’m sad, I’m not surprised.
Did not want to leave today, and was upset in the morning. My mood was fragile and didn’t think I could stand so many days away from home, from Boyfriend. Felt a strange anxiety; wanted to be home to make sure everything was still okay.
Once I was on the road, I felt calmer. I realized that traveling alone, while not as fun as traveling with Boyfriend, does give me the chance to think through things uninterrupted. When I’m with people I’m too outward looking, too concerned with being pleasant and liked. Only when I’m alone can I really think my own thoughts.
Perhaps the next three days I will use the chance to sort things out.
I am so totally manic-depressive. I exhibit classic symptoms. I have periods of elation, light-heartedness, and joy. Then I have bouts of intense sadness and dark thoughts. Rationality does not help in those moments. It’s no use to think about how absurd it is that I feel depressed, when I should have so many things I feel good about.
I have a job that interests me, when many people are unemployed or hate their jobs.
I have a boyfriend who is kind and patient and loving. He knows how to comfort me and when to leave me alone.
I have a “bright future” ahead of me. I am going to a law school that sounds very good on paper.
I have loving, supportive, and liberal parents, who listen to me and who are close to me, even though we don’t always agree.
I am healthy and, other than my possible alcoholism and my aforementioned manic-depressiveness, have no major illnesses.
I live in a country that is easy to move around in, easy to move out of, that offers me a lot of flexibility and freedom (although this freedom sometimes terrifies me).
I should be happy all the time, but I’m not. What depress me are often not concrete and specific things but abstract, philosophical questions. I think about the fleetingness of life, the fragility of relationships, the inevitability of change, lost loves and faded friendships, the largeness of universe and our own insignificance. And I am amazed how everyone can go about as if they do not carry wounds, as if they will not die someday.
In high school I once had a conversation with a girl in my class that I really didn’t know very well, not before and not since. But that afternoon we met in the library and began talking. Mostly, I was talking about these things. Afterwards, she joked that it was the most depressing conversation she had ever had.
But these thoughts are with me every day, like old friends. In the same frequency as men think about sex (which I guess is once every 5 seconds or something) I think about how everything must change, must end, and how we can never go back to what we once were, that every day lost is a day we will never see again. Sometimes these thoughts do not affect me. Sometimes they affect me deeply. But they are there no matter what.
In college I learned that my friend S took Zoloft because if he didn’t, he would have obsessive fear of death. I am pretty much the same way, though my obsession is not as specific as fear of death but fear of change, of endings, in general. When I’m happy, in the back of my mind there is always a voice that asks: “Is this the happiest I will ever be? Will it all be downhill from here?” When I’m sad, I’m not surprised.
5/17/2005
Turmoil Tonight
Something is wrong tonight and I can't quite articulate what yet -- must be a combination of stressful work; hard-to-manage staff; the depressingness of the office space (too small/too cluttered/too tired to make things better); lack of personal space at home (aside from the renovation, which takes out a few of the rooms in our house, Boyfriend's stuff has ballooned to the remaining rooms so I don't even have a place to sit and read); uncertainty/anxiety about law school (is it really the right choice for me?? More on this later when I have more energy), etc. etc. etc.
Have to leave tomorrow for New Jersey. Going alone this time, which does not help things.
Calmed down somewhat after a glass of wine and being weepy for several hours. Think I'm ready to go to sleep now in a few minutes.
Have to leave tomorrow for New Jersey. Going alone this time, which does not help things.
Calmed down somewhat after a glass of wine and being weepy for several hours. Think I'm ready to go to sleep now in a few minutes.
5/16/2005
Alcoholics of the States, Rejoice!
With a little help from the Supremes, we can now get drunk more cheaply!
Of course, this is provided that the state government don't just prohibit shipping wine outright.
Of course, this is provided that the state government don't just prohibit shipping wine outright.
Vacation from Vacation
Traveling is always exhausting, whether it's for relaxing purposes or not. Yesterday Boyfriend and I basically slept for the whole day and were both practically useless. Today, I still felt sleepy and exhausted.
After work, Boyfriend and I drove to a nearby town and had Chinese food, then walked on a nearby beach. Not as nice and smooth as Maine, but not bad for Connecticut.
Came back and thanks to C, my GameCube got here! Immediately popped in Resident Evil 4 and watched the beginning movie. The game was brutally scary, and about 30 seconds into it I wanted to save my progress and quit. Then spent the next hour or so trying to figure out how to save the freakin' game. Yes, I'm not a professional gamer.
Need to travel again to NJ this Wednesday for work, and possibly come back on Saturday. Will be staying home part of the time.
After work, Boyfriend and I drove to a nearby town and had Chinese food, then walked on a nearby beach. Not as nice and smooth as Maine, but not bad for Connecticut.
Came back and thanks to C, my GameCube got here! Immediately popped in Resident Evil 4 and watched the beginning movie. The game was brutally scary, and about 30 seconds into it I wanted to save my progress and quit. Then spent the next hour or so trying to figure out how to save the freakin' game. Yes, I'm not a professional gamer.
Need to travel again to NJ this Wednesday for work, and possibly come back on Saturday. Will be staying home part of the time.
Thunderstorms
I love my white-noise machine! I put it on the "thunderstorms" setting and fall asleep to the sound of thunder and rain.
I wonder why these sounds sooth me so much. Last night I first tried doing "ocean waves" and couldn't fall asleep. Got up and changed the setting to thunderstorms and fell right asleep.
I wonder why these sounds sooth me so much. Last night I first tried doing "ocean waves" and couldn't fall asleep. Got up and changed the setting to thunderstorms and fell right asleep.
5/15/2005
One Sweet Day
An itinerary of what I did yesterday:
7:15 Woke up for the first time. Boyfriend was (as usual) already up. Cuddled for a bit and he went to write some emails on his laptop. I went back to sleep.
9:15 Woke up again. Boyfriend came back to the room. Showered and packed up our stuff.
10:30 Went to breakfast at Raspberries across the street and had a great breakfast: omlettes, fruits, potatoes, juices, milk, and coffee.
11:50 Finished breakfast. Walked through a little path behind the hotel to the beach. Crossed a river on the way.
It's still before the high season, and there weren't that many people on the beach. It was this breathtaking empty stretch of smooth white sand several miles long.
It was very low tide and the beach looked enormous. I couldn't stop taking pictures.
12:50: Slowly walked back to town. Drove around town and visited a few other B&B to research places to stay when we come back again.
1:30: Parked our car at one of those other hotels close to the beach, and walked down “Marginal Way”, a several-miles-long path along the beach that leads into a cove. The view along the way was amazing. Quite a few more tourists though, and the weather turned a little more chilly. Thankfully both Boyfriend and I brought our sweaters.
3:00: Walked back to our car and drove out of Ogunquit. Bought 4 live lobsters in the supermarket on the way. The supermarket was one of the nicest I have ever seen. People in that area sure live well!
3:30: Back in Kittery. Went back to the Tumi store and bought yet another bag… for my computer. Super-cute!
4:15: Began driving home. We decided to not take highways and instead took side roads and just generally went Southwest, using our GPS system to check occasionally our location and our directions. This made the drive back so much more entertaining and interesting. We drove through the center of many quaint little New Hampshire and Massachusetts town – Exeter, Groton, Lancaster…
7:00 Drove through Sturbridge, and since I was tired and hungry, had dinner on the patio of a lovely restaurant.
9:00 I drove since Boyfriend was tired after the big dinner. This time we went on highways since it was already after dark.
Talked about law school plans on the way back.
There are so many things we need to do before September to make sure that we can live together next year and not be apart too much, that the company, his property, and everything else in our lives are still in good shape, and at the same time to keep costs down and the move smooth.
The complexity involved is unbelievable, and depresses me a little when I think about it, but at least we are talking about it and trying to make everything work.
10:15: Got home and exhausted. Took our purchases out of the car and immediately put several of them to use. At Brookstones Boyfriend bought an electrical massager that is just amazing, so we took turns massaging each other’s back. I bought a white-noise machine that can simulate different types of sound: wind, stream, rain, thunderstorm, the ocean, tropical forest, etc.
12:30: I put the setting on thunderstorm (my favorite setting so far and the sound soothes me to sleep).
If only every day was like yesterday.
7:15 Woke up for the first time. Boyfriend was (as usual) already up. Cuddled for a bit and he went to write some emails on his laptop. I went back to sleep.
9:15 Woke up again. Boyfriend came back to the room. Showered and packed up our stuff.
10:30 Went to breakfast at Raspberries across the street and had a great breakfast: omlettes, fruits, potatoes, juices, milk, and coffee.
11:50 Finished breakfast. Walked through a little path behind the hotel to the beach. Crossed a river on the way.
It's still before the high season, and there weren't that many people on the beach. It was this breathtaking empty stretch of smooth white sand several miles long.
It was very low tide and the beach looked enormous. I couldn't stop taking pictures.
12:50: Slowly walked back to town. Drove around town and visited a few other B&B to research places to stay when we come back again.
1:30: Parked our car at one of those other hotels close to the beach, and walked down “Marginal Way”, a several-miles-long path along the beach that leads into a cove. The view along the way was amazing. Quite a few more tourists though, and the weather turned a little more chilly. Thankfully both Boyfriend and I brought our sweaters.
3:00: Walked back to our car and drove out of Ogunquit. Bought 4 live lobsters in the supermarket on the way. The supermarket was one of the nicest I have ever seen. People in that area sure live well!
3:30: Back in Kittery. Went back to the Tumi store and bought yet another bag… for my computer. Super-cute!
4:15: Began driving home. We decided to not take highways and instead took side roads and just generally went Southwest, using our GPS system to check occasionally our location and our directions. This made the drive back so much more entertaining and interesting. We drove through the center of many quaint little New Hampshire and Massachusetts town – Exeter, Groton, Lancaster…
7:00 Drove through Sturbridge, and since I was tired and hungry, had dinner on the patio of a lovely restaurant.
9:00 I drove since Boyfriend was tired after the big dinner. This time we went on highways since it was already after dark.
Talked about law school plans on the way back.
There are so many things we need to do before September to make sure that we can live together next year and not be apart too much, that the company, his property, and everything else in our lives are still in good shape, and at the same time to keep costs down and the move smooth.
The complexity involved is unbelievable, and depresses me a little when I think about it, but at least we are talking about it and trying to make everything work.
10:15: Got home and exhausted. Took our purchases out of the car and immediately put several of them to use. At Brookstones Boyfriend bought an electrical massager that is just amazing, so we took turns massaging each other’s back. I bought a white-noise machine that can simulate different types of sound: wind, stream, rain, thunderstorm, the ocean, tropical forest, etc.
12:30: I put the setting on thunderstorm (my favorite setting so far and the sound soothes me to sleep).
If only every day was like yesterday.
5/14/2005
Back Home Now
Just got back to home. What a great day this was -- probably the most perfect and fun day I have had in a long time.
Exhausted now, so will write more tomorrow. But in the meanwhile, get thee to Maine for a spring holiday! It's beautiful, and you won't regret it! I promise!
Exhausted now, so will write more tomorrow. But in the meanwhile, get thee to Maine for a spring holiday! It's beautiful, and you won't regret it! I promise!
5/13/2005
Bliss...
This morning boyfriend booked a room at a little B&B in a little seaside Maine town called Ogunquit, which is famous for its miles and miles of white sand beaches.
We thought that right now would be the perfect time to visit because it's before the high seasons, but already warm enough so it's really pleasant to walk around.
Our B&B is within walking distance of the beach, and we got a dinner package at an amazing restaurant in town. Each of us had lobster again, except this time it was not a live lobster but sauteed lobster meat with a special nut and almond sauce.
We also had Maine crab cakes, garden salad, and desert (hot fudge sundae for me, creme brulee for Boyfriend). We got back to the hotel completely stuffed and completely happy.
This is the nicest day I have had in a long time. Can't wait to get up tomorrow morning to walk on the beach!!
We thought that right now would be the perfect time to visit because it's before the high seasons, but already warm enough so it's really pleasant to walk around.
Our B&B is within walking distance of the beach, and we got a dinner package at an amazing restaurant in town. Each of us had lobster again, except this time it was not a live lobster but sauteed lobster meat with a special nut and almond sauce.
We also had Maine crab cakes, garden salad, and desert (hot fudge sundae for me, creme brulee for Boyfriend). We got back to the hotel completely stuffed and completely happy.
This is the nicest day I have had in a long time. Can't wait to get up tomorrow morning to walk on the beach!!
Afternoon on the Town
This afternoon around 2, I left Boyfriend at the hotel and took a walk around Portsmouth's downtown. It's a great town and very walkable, with a bustling city center that looks very European -- beautiful red brick buildings, restaurants with lots of seating outside and on the sidewalk, etc.
Had lunch at Portsmouth Brewery Company (salad, gumbo, a light beer), and went to a little bookstore in town and picked up Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond. I had wanted to read this book for a long time.
Went to a Starbucks in downtown, ordered a latte with whipped cream, and sat outside and began reading this book.
Sadly, one of the first things the book disputed was my big theory a few years ago that the reason Europe and China are more advanced technologically is because they have colder climates, and in the face of harsh winters people were forced to be more creative, to invent more things, etc. Apparently, this theory is absurd. Ah well. I will see what better theory Diamond can come up with.
Boyfriend joined me at 4, and together we drove to the outlets in Kittery, and I finally got my favorite, favorite, favorite carry-on bag ever, as well as a few other pieces of "essential" luggages.
Reader, I know that I have been mentioning this particular subject of luggage waaaay too much in this blog, and now that I finally have it, I promise that I will stop.
Had lunch at Portsmouth Brewery Company (salad, gumbo, a light beer), and went to a little bookstore in town and picked up Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond. I had wanted to read this book for a long time.
Went to a Starbucks in downtown, ordered a latte with whipped cream, and sat outside and began reading this book.
Sadly, one of the first things the book disputed was my big theory a few years ago that the reason Europe and China are more advanced technologically is because they have colder climates, and in the face of harsh winters people were forced to be more creative, to invent more things, etc. Apparently, this theory is absurd. Ah well. I will see what better theory Diamond can come up with.
Boyfriend joined me at 4, and together we drove to the outlets in Kittery, and I finally got my favorite, favorite, favorite carry-on bag ever, as well as a few other pieces of "essential" luggages.
Reader, I know that I have been mentioning this particular subject of luggage waaaay too much in this blog, and now that I finally have it, I promise that I will stop.
Work Day in Hotel
Record lows in the Portsmouth/Kittery area yesterday, and this morning around 6:30 Boyfriend came into the room and said that it's 36 degrees outside and perhaps it's best to scratch our original plan to walk around early in the morning and just stay in for now. As I was at the time still busy sleeping, I had no objections.
Got up around 9:00, and the day is looking beautiful and sunny. Worked for a few hours in bed, writing memos and talking with the staff at the office via IM. Our recruiting effort for new facilitators is going well and in the past two days I got more than 30 resumes from Yale, UConn, Columbia, MIT, and the New School.
Next steps - sorting through these resumes and figuring out how to filter out promising prospects, interviewing them, and training them!
Will stay around the hotel 'til 4 or so, then go to the outlets with Boyfriend again. Tonight we are staying at a nice B&B about 15 miles north of here, and perhaps the dinner will involve more lobsters. Yum!
Got up around 9:00, and the day is looking beautiful and sunny. Worked for a few hours in bed, writing memos and talking with the staff at the office via IM. Our recruiting effort for new facilitators is going well and in the past two days I got more than 30 resumes from Yale, UConn, Columbia, MIT, and the New School.
Next steps - sorting through these resumes and figuring out how to filter out promising prospects, interviewing them, and training them!
Will stay around the hotel 'til 4 or so, then go to the outlets with Boyfriend again. Tonight we are staying at a nice B&B about 15 miles north of here, and perhaps the dinner will involve more lobsters. Yum!
5/12/2005
Food on the Table
Boyfriend and I went across the river to Kittery, Maine. It's the first time I've ever been to Maine.
We had dinner at the most amazing seafood place right on the river. We had lobsters - the freshest and best-tasting lobsters I have ever had.
Kittery is also known for its many outlet stores. This is what we will be doing tomorrow.
We had dinner at the most amazing seafood place right on the river. We had lobsters - the freshest and best-tasting lobsters I have ever had.
Kittery is also known for its many outlet stores. This is what we will be doing tomorrow.
Even Further Up North
Boyfriend and I didn’t drive back to Connecticut as scheduled this afternoon. Instead, we were having so much fun traveling that we decided to drive up to Portsmouth, New Hampshire and spend Friday there. Aside from being a nice, river front town, Portsmouth is also close to the Maine border and the home to a premium outlet that will include the Tumi outlet store, which will enable me, hopefully, to buy the carry-on of my dreams.
Boyfriend and I are staying at the Sheraton once again, only this time he booked the club floor to get some privacy and peace. We went to the club lounge for hors d’oeuvres (since I didn’t eat a proper lunch because food at that other Sheraton was so atrocious). In a moment, we’ll be going to the outlet stores.
Boyfriend and I are staying at the Sheraton once again, only this time he booked the club floor to get some privacy and peace. We went to the club lounge for hors d’oeuvres (since I didn’t eat a proper lunch because food at that other Sheraton was so atrocious). In a moment, we’ll be going to the outlet stores.
Event Went Well
I got up at 6 AM today, in a horrible mood just like I always am when I have to get up early, especially since insomnia struck again last night, induced by a stupid, brief, but intense fight with Boyfriend. (Well, "fight with" is not wholly accurate. Mostly me being furious and him being relatively calm and trying to end the fight -- but once my mood starts spiraling down it takes on a life of its own.)
Anyway, so I was feeling like shit this morning because only slept 4 hours. But I HAVE to be out of the hotel door by 6:45 becaues the client told me yesterday that the traffic is horrible in the morning around here so I should leave a lot of extra time on the drive to make sure I get to the school by 7:30. So I dragged my tired body up and through the shower and into the car, etc.
Traffic was very light that early in the morning. Even had time to stop on the way at Starbucks to get a latte with whipped cream. Feel much better after drinking it.
Got to the school a little early, and met my contact there and basically chatted wtih her until 8:30. Usually, I don't like chatting with people right before an event because I would want to concentrate, but somehow I really connected with this woman and found it very calming, actually.
She is a very attractive and fit woman in her 40s or late 30s who has a child attending the same school. She volunteers at the school as a parent, but her real job is being a nurse at some children's hospital. We talked about her work, her life.
The Simulation itself went really well, and all the students seemed to have fun and all the teachers had tons of nice things to say about the game afterwards. In the end we ran a little short on time, so I had to wrap up the discussion rather quickly. But they were really pleased and wants to invite us back again.
"But only if YOU come again!" One of the contacts said.
How very flattering!
I was initially worried about this event because the students involved were a bit younger than what I'm used to. Fifth and Sixth graders instead of seventh and eighth. I could tell that despite our assurances, the teachers themselves were a little nervous as well. However, in the end everyone was beaming, relaxed, and very appreciative.
Breakdown of the equipment and cleanup was a breeze because both of my contacts helped me. We packed up the van and I drove back to the hotel. Are just now relaxing in the lobby. I can feel a tiredness stealing up to me and soon I might have to collapse and go to sleep.
Anyway, so I was feeling like shit this morning because only slept 4 hours. But I HAVE to be out of the hotel door by 6:45 becaues the client told me yesterday that the traffic is horrible in the morning around here so I should leave a lot of extra time on the drive to make sure I get to the school by 7:30. So I dragged my tired body up and through the shower and into the car, etc.
Traffic was very light that early in the morning. Even had time to stop on the way at Starbucks to get a latte with whipped cream. Feel much better after drinking it.
Got to the school a little early, and met my contact there and basically chatted wtih her until 8:30. Usually, I don't like chatting with people right before an event because I would want to concentrate, but somehow I really connected with this woman and found it very calming, actually.
She is a very attractive and fit woman in her 40s or late 30s who has a child attending the same school. She volunteers at the school as a parent, but her real job is being a nurse at some children's hospital. We talked about her work, her life.
The Simulation itself went really well, and all the students seemed to have fun and all the teachers had tons of nice things to say about the game afterwards. In the end we ran a little short on time, so I had to wrap up the discussion rather quickly. But they were really pleased and wants to invite us back again.
"But only if YOU come again!" One of the contacts said.
How very flattering!
I was initially worried about this event because the students involved were a bit younger than what I'm used to. Fifth and Sixth graders instead of seventh and eighth. I could tell that despite our assurances, the teachers themselves were a little nervous as well. However, in the end everyone was beaming, relaxed, and very appreciative.
Breakdown of the equipment and cleanup was a breeze because both of my contacts helped me. We packed up the van and I drove back to the hotel. Are just now relaxing in the lobby. I can feel a tiredness stealing up to me and soon I might have to collapse and go to sleep.
5/11/2005
It's Not Trash Anymore
Apparently, some Japanese cities have 44 categories of trash according to which residents must sort through their garbage.
I guess it makes sense since the Japanese have such a tiny country, and where is all that trash going to go unless they recycle vigilently?
But still, I was amused to imagine a nation of obsessive-compulsive recyclers sorting socks they don't want into "single socks" and "a pair of matching socks", and washing and drying their neckties before they throw them away.
I guess it makes sense since the Japanese have such a tiny country, and where is all that trash going to go unless they recycle vigilently?
But still, I was amused to imagine a nation of obsessive-compulsive recyclers sorting socks they don't want into "single socks" and "a pair of matching socks", and washing and drying their neckties before they throw them away.
Diamond Status, Here I Come!
A few days ago I applied for an American Express/ Hiltons Honors credit card. Today someone from American Express called and told me that I should receive the card in a few days.
For this card, you receive 5 honors points for every dollar you spend at a Hilton Hotel, and 3 points for every other purchases. So Gold and Diamond status shouldn't be that far away. Yay!
Had a very relaxing morning -- chatted a little bit with staff via IM and made a few phone calls. At 1:30 I drove to the venue and met with the client and set up for the event tomorrow.
I finished around 4:00 and drove back to the hotel, then picked up Boyfriend and drove together to Salem, MA. We walked around downtown Salem, saw a few historic sites with the witch trials, etc., then sat down for a nice dinner at a seafood restaurant on the water. We sat outside even though it was a little chilly, and ordered very good local haddock with string beans and mashed potatoes. I had a margarita. Totally refreshing!
Just got back to the hotel. I need to get up obscenely early tomorrow, so will go to sleep in a few minutes after reading for a while. Picked up a book by Brian Greene about the theory of relativity, which I'm sure will put me to sleep in no time...
For this card, you receive 5 honors points for every dollar you spend at a Hilton Hotel, and 3 points for every other purchases. So Gold and Diamond status shouldn't be that far away. Yay!
Had a very relaxing morning -- chatted a little bit with staff via IM and made a few phone calls. At 1:30 I drove to the venue and met with the client and set up for the event tomorrow.
I finished around 4:00 and drove back to the hotel, then picked up Boyfriend and drove together to Salem, MA. We walked around downtown Salem, saw a few historic sites with the witch trials, etc., then sat down for a nice dinner at a seafood restaurant on the water. We sat outside even though it was a little chilly, and ordered very good local haddock with string beans and mashed potatoes. I had a margarita. Totally refreshing!
Just got back to the hotel. I need to get up obscenely early tomorrow, so will go to sleep in a few minutes after reading for a while. Picked up a book by Brian Greene about the theory of relativity, which I'm sure will put me to sleep in no time...
Well Slept
Got up at 10 today. 10!! I don't even sleep 'til 10 on normal weekends.
Feel energetic and ready for the day!
Feel energetic and ready for the day!
5/10/2005
Arrived
So I'm here at the hotel, finally! We left around 5:30 and there was a little traffic on the way, so took a little under 4 hours to get here.
We are staying at a Sheraton Resort, and it's humungous. Their slogan is "600 Acres of Fun!"
There are two golf courses, tennis courts, a "driving range", hiking trails, volleyball courts, etc, etc.
"We can play tennis!" Boyfriend said.
"Hmmmm..." I said.
I suck at tennis, and have carefully hidden this fact from Boyfriend, along with all my other shortcomings.
Would it be horrible if he found out now that I'm not fantastic at everything depsite my claims to the contrary, or has he, after two years, already sensed for some time that I'm, um, not perfect?
We are staying at a Sheraton Resort, and it's humungous. Their slogan is "600 Acres of Fun!"
There are two golf courses, tennis courts, a "driving range", hiking trails, volleyball courts, etc, etc.
"We can play tennis!" Boyfriend said.
"Hmmmm..." I said.
I suck at tennis, and have carefully hidden this fact from Boyfriend, along with all my other shortcomings.
Would it be horrible if he found out now that I'm not fantastic at everything depsite my claims to the contrary, or has he, after two years, already sensed for some time that I'm, um, not perfect?
Going North
I'm driving up to Massachusetts for work today. Boyfriend is coming with me. We are coming back Thursday or Friday.
The town that I'll be in is close to Cape Cod and supposedly really beautiful. On the water; lot of rich people live there; "Yacht capital of the world", etc.
My hotel will have wireless Internet connection, and I'm of course bringing my Powerbook with me, so this should not affect blogging, except maybe instead of 5 posts a day I'll write (gasp!) only 2. But we'll see. I'm sure I will have tons of photos to share.
I'll actually be traveling a lot for the next 3-4 weeks, mostly for work, but also for pleasure. Going to New Jersey next week for 3 days for work, but may visit my parents while I'm there. Then Memorial Day Weekend Boyfriend and I are planning a getaway to western MA and Vermont. Finally, in early June we are going to southern CA for a week.
Fun fun fun.
Tomorrow I get to sleep in!
The town that I'll be in is close to Cape Cod and supposedly really beautiful. On the water; lot of rich people live there; "Yacht capital of the world", etc.
My hotel will have wireless Internet connection, and I'm of course bringing my Powerbook with me, so this should not affect blogging, except maybe instead of 5 posts a day I'll write (gasp!) only 2. But we'll see. I'm sure I will have tons of photos to share.
I'll actually be traveling a lot for the next 3-4 weeks, mostly for work, but also for pleasure. Going to New Jersey next week for 3 days for work, but may visit my parents while I'm there. Then Memorial Day Weekend Boyfriend and I are planning a getaway to western MA and Vermont. Finally, in early June we are going to southern CA for a week.
Fun fun fun.
Tomorrow I get to sleep in!
Insomnia Struck
Couldn't go to sleep last night. Went to bed at 11:00 and for some reason felt really sick and tense. After lying there for about 40 minutes I gave up, got up, and started playing my Nintendo DS.
This did not help things.
I periodically lay back down to try to get back to sleep again, and then got up again. During all this time, Boyfriend slept like a rock beside me. (He's no longer sick, by the way).
Also chatted on line with G, who is in China and so is also not asleep. After 2:30 AM, time just started zooming by as it always does when it gets late at night. Before I knew it, it was 4 AM.
Boyfriend woke up. "Are you okay? You are still not asleep?"
We were both hungry, so went downstairs and brought up some dumplings that I boiled earlier that night. Very yummy.
After that, we talked and cuddled for a while, and I began feeling very relaxed. I was able to go to sleep, circa 4:30 AM.
Feel surprisingly okay this morning when I woke up. Actually have more energy than some other days when I slept 9 hours.
This did not help things.
I periodically lay back down to try to get back to sleep again, and then got up again. During all this time, Boyfriend slept like a rock beside me. (He's no longer sick, by the way).
Also chatted on line with G, who is in China and so is also not asleep. After 2:30 AM, time just started zooming by as it always does when it gets late at night. Before I knew it, it was 4 AM.
Boyfriend woke up. "Are you okay? You are still not asleep?"
We were both hungry, so went downstairs and brought up some dumplings that I boiled earlier that night. Very yummy.
After that, we talked and cuddled for a while, and I began feeling very relaxed. I was able to go to sleep, circa 4:30 AM.
Feel surprisingly okay this morning when I woke up. Actually have more energy than some other days when I slept 9 hours.
5/09/2005
Exhausted
Ai-ai-ai... Woke up this morning and feel just awful. I don't think I caught Boyfriend's bug or anything, but yesterday and last night were very tiring. Aside from having to do nice things for Boyfriend while he's sick, like giving him tea (not as much work as it sounds, since we have this water cooler that gives hot water) and doing little errands for him, etc, I also slept horribly because he kept on tossing and turning, and I'm a very light sleeper.
Wanted to sleep in this morning, but renovation people were here by 8 and making extremely loud noises outside the bedroom. We are changing all the windows in this building, and this morning they are changing the large windows right outside the master bedroom in the hallway. I think they were using a nailgun and electric saw or something like that.
So now I'm all dizzy and nauseous from lack of sleep and in a crappy mood. Just yelled at Boyfriend (over IM) and now feel guilty. He IS sick, after all.
Note to self: need to control temper, even when I feel physically ill. Should try to be as patient with Boyfriend as Boyfriend is with me.
Wanted to sleep in this morning, but renovation people were here by 8 and making extremely loud noises outside the bedroom. We are changing all the windows in this building, and this morning they are changing the large windows right outside the master bedroom in the hallway. I think they were using a nailgun and electric saw or something like that.
So now I'm all dizzy and nauseous from lack of sleep and in a crappy mood. Just yelled at Boyfriend (over IM) and now feel guilty. He IS sick, after all.
Note to self: need to control temper, even when I feel physically ill. Should try to be as patient with Boyfriend as Boyfriend is with me.
5/08/2005
Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe
Wow.
Just saw this photo in the NYT article about the new Memorial for Murdered Jews of Europe in Berlin.
Wow.
"Beautiful" is obviously not the right word here. It looks amazing, powerful, pervasive, upsetting, unforgettable.
I love it.
Some people don't, though those who don't seem to criticize it more on political and cultural grounds rather than aesthetic. It is a memorial more for the Germans than the Jews, they say. What about the other victims in World War II, they ask.
But I love it. The silent, leaden blocks. The shadows they cast. The weight. The oppressiveness. The lack of color.
It reminds us that there is nothing glorious or poetic or uplifting about the Holocaust. Yes, we won the war. Yes, evil was vanquished. Yes, there are individual stories of triumph and humanity and hope. But that made no difference to the people who died in the concentration camps. They died without hope and without dignifity. For them, there was just the crushing weight of death, the finality of it, the futility, the terrible nothingness.
Their days were the leaden concrete pillars. There was no happy ending to THEIR story.
That was what they knew, and that is what we should remember now with this memorial.
(In case you are interested, here are some other photos as well as a more critical article about the Memorial.)
Just saw this photo in the NYT article about the new Memorial for Murdered Jews of Europe in Berlin.
Wow.
"Beautiful" is obviously not the right word here. It looks amazing, powerful, pervasive, upsetting, unforgettable.
I love it.
Some people don't, though those who don't seem to criticize it more on political and cultural grounds rather than aesthetic. It is a memorial more for the Germans than the Jews, they say. What about the other victims in World War II, they ask.
But I love it. The silent, leaden blocks. The shadows they cast. The weight. The oppressiveness. The lack of color.
It reminds us that there is nothing glorious or poetic or uplifting about the Holocaust. Yes, we won the war. Yes, evil was vanquished. Yes, there are individual stories of triumph and humanity and hope. But that made no difference to the people who died in the concentration camps. They died without hope and without dignifity. For them, there was just the crushing weight of death, the finality of it, the futility, the terrible nothingness.
Their days were the leaden concrete pillars. There was no happy ending to THEIR story.
That was what they knew, and that is what we should remember now with this memorial.
(In case you are interested, here are some other photos as well as a more critical article about the Memorial.)
Order Restored
Phew. Things are okay again and my parents seem to be talking to each other once more. Just spoke on the phone again with my mom and talked for 50 minutes about law school and life in general.
Oh, almost forgot to mention. While Boyfriend was suffering in bed with a mysterious fever today, I drove to Circuit City and got the Nintendo DS!!
The DS is beautiful and the graphics every bit as awesome as described on Nintendo's website. The couple of Super Mario games I got are so cute and definitely bring back happy childhood memories... I think they will keep me happy and busy for hours at airport terminals and in hotels.
Also got the Resident Evil 4 game. It looks really, really, really scary.
Boyfriend is alarmed and amused by this sudden revelation of my 8-year-old side. I think he wonders whether he will ever interact with me in person again in the next few weeks.
Oh, almost forgot to mention. While Boyfriend was suffering in bed with a mysterious fever today, I drove to Circuit City and got the Nintendo DS!!
The DS is beautiful and the graphics every bit as awesome as described on Nintendo's website. The couple of Super Mario games I got are so cute and definitely bring back happy childhood memories... I think they will keep me happy and busy for hours at airport terminals and in hotels.
Also got the Resident Evil 4 game. It looks really, really, really scary.
Boyfriend is alarmed and amused by this sudden revelation of my 8-year-old side. I think he wonders whether he will ever interact with me in person again in the next few weeks.
Ugh Ugh Ugh
Just called my mom to wish her a happy Mother's Day, and while I was on the phone, she and my dad started fighting! How awkward. She got upset and hung up, so I spoke to my dad and told him to apologize to her.
Ten minutes later I called back, and they are still not speaking to each other.
Sigh... Relationships are so hard. They've been married for like 17 years and this still happens like every month. I wonder what MY relationship would be like after it's lasted 17 years.
Ten minutes later I called back, and they are still not speaking to each other.
Sigh... Relationships are so hard. They've been married for like 17 years and this still happens like every month. I wonder what MY relationship would be like after it's lasted 17 years.
The Day So Far
Boyfriend is a little sick, so is staying in bed today. We took a drive this morning to northern CT, but had to cut our trip short because he was having chills. We came back and he hid under a pile of blanket and began alternately watching TV and sleeping. I plan to go out and forage for food in a bit.
Haven't called Mom yet. Maybe later I will write a post in honor of her.
Haven't called Mom yet. Maybe later I will write a post in honor of her.
5/07/2005
Yay!
Thanks to my friend C from high school, by next Friday I should have one of these cute little GameCubes in indigo!
This may prove to be a terrible mistake for law school. I'll keep you posted.
This may prove to be a terrible mistake for law school. I'll keep you posted.
Encounter
Went again with Boyfriend to the little fish market that we both like and got crabcakes and scallops.
While we were there, a former professor of mine, whom I knew very well in college, came in. She wrote me a rec letter a few years ago for law school and philosophy PhD programs which is still on file at LSAC, but I was so disorganized and also immature at the time that I never wrote her a thank-you note or let her know what I was doing.
I was too embarrassed to say hi to her, and wasn't sure that she recognized me anyway. She stood next to me for several minutes ordering this and that (2 softshell crabs, 1 rach roe, a pound of scallops), while I hid behind my hair and hoped she didn't look my way. Awkward.
In college I really liked and admired her and took 3 classes from her. We were never clsoe, though, because she always intimidated me a little. She was aloof and elegant and was definitely NOT warm. But I thought she was brilliant.
As I was graduating, I heard that she was denied tenure from her department and took an administrative job at the university. I think she was severely disappointed at first, but seemed to like the administraive position when I saw her a year later.
In a rare warm moment shortly before I graduated, she gave me an advance copy of her book to read. It was all about Homer and Horodotus and Aristotle and Machiavelli. It was hard to read and I never finished it.
Anyway. A little encounter brought so much memories. I must be getting old!
While we were there, a former professor of mine, whom I knew very well in college, came in. She wrote me a rec letter a few years ago for law school and philosophy PhD programs which is still on file at LSAC, but I was so disorganized and also immature at the time that I never wrote her a thank-you note or let her know what I was doing.
I was too embarrassed to say hi to her, and wasn't sure that she recognized me anyway. She stood next to me for several minutes ordering this and that (2 softshell crabs, 1 rach roe, a pound of scallops), while I hid behind my hair and hoped she didn't look my way. Awkward.
In college I really liked and admired her and took 3 classes from her. We were never clsoe, though, because she always intimidated me a little. She was aloof and elegant and was definitely NOT warm. But I thought she was brilliant.
As I was graduating, I heard that she was denied tenure from her department and took an administrative job at the university. I think she was severely disappointed at first, but seemed to like the administraive position when I saw her a year later.
In a rare warm moment shortly before I graduated, she gave me an advance copy of her book to read. It was all about Homer and Horodotus and Aristotle and Machiavelli. It was hard to read and I never finished it.
Anyway. A little encounter brought so much memories. I must be getting old!
Uncloseted
This guy reminds me of a guy that I knew in college from the Party of the Right. HATE hypocrits like him and think he totally got what he deserved!
New Objects of Desire
Last night I spent the entire evening on the web, researching Nintendo game consoles and game software.
Now, I know this may not be typical Friday night activity for a 20-something heterosexual Asian female. (What do they usually do? Go to parties? Clubs? Hang out with girlfriends?) But I guess part of me will always be an 8-year-old tomboy.
The Nintendo has a special place in my heart because it is part of (or even help created) some of my happiest childhood memories -- playing Super Mario Brothers and a host of other first-generation games all day, every day, for the entire summer with my favorite cousin. He was so cool (and is still so cool now) because he is a video game virtuoso. It's more fun watching him beat the levels than playing myself.
He is the closest thing to a brother that I have, and one of my favorite people in the world.
Some of my favorite memories in college involve Nintendo as well.
When I visited China in college my cousins were still playing Nintendo games, but they had graduated to Resident Evil, the horror game that involved running through a ghost town and shooting a lot of zombies.
When I came back to the States, I found out that one of Ambient Dickie's roommate had a Nintendo system AND this game.
So often, after classes when we were both free in the afternoon, I would go over to Dickie's room and play Resident Evil. Dickie, being such a girl, would be too scared to watch continuously. Instead, he made himself useful by hiding under the blanket in his bed and looking up hints and maps on the Internet.
I wasn't a good player, but manage to almost reach the end. And then, alas, I think the semester ended, so I was never able to beat the true boss.
Anyway, this is all a short way of saying, I want a Nintendo Gamecube and the new Resident Evil game, and I want them NOW!!!
Now, I know this may not be typical Friday night activity for a 20-something heterosexual Asian female. (What do they usually do? Go to parties? Clubs? Hang out with girlfriends?) But I guess part of me will always be an 8-year-old tomboy.
The Nintendo has a special place in my heart because it is part of (or even help created) some of my happiest childhood memories -- playing Super Mario Brothers and a host of other first-generation games all day, every day, for the entire summer with my favorite cousin. He was so cool (and is still so cool now) because he is a video game virtuoso. It's more fun watching him beat the levels than playing myself.
He is the closest thing to a brother that I have, and one of my favorite people in the world.
Some of my favorite memories in college involve Nintendo as well.
When I visited China in college my cousins were still playing Nintendo games, but they had graduated to Resident Evil, the horror game that involved running through a ghost town and shooting a lot of zombies.
When I came back to the States, I found out that one of Ambient Dickie's roommate had a Nintendo system AND this game.
So often, after classes when we were both free in the afternoon, I would go over to Dickie's room and play Resident Evil. Dickie, being such a girl, would be too scared to watch continuously. Instead, he made himself useful by hiding under the blanket in his bed and looking up hints and maps on the Internet.
I wasn't a good player, but manage to almost reach the end. And then, alas, I think the semester ended, so I was never able to beat the true boss.
Anyway, this is all a short way of saying, I want a Nintendo Gamecube and the new Resident Evil game, and I want them NOW!!!
5/06/2005
Movies I (Sort of) Want to See This Weekend
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Heard that the movie is not as good as the book (only rated 3.2 out of 5 on Google), but when is it ever is, especially when the original book is so zany and hilarious?
House of Wax
Yes, I like horror movies, although when I watch a horror movie, I really do get very very scared.
Paris Hilton is in this movie. I'm sorry I keep on mentioning her in this blog. I swear that I don't have an obsession about her or even have much of an opinion about her. However, related to her role in the film (as a hapless victim), Slate's David Edelstein had some funny things to say:
"Her attention span is so short that she can't even maintain her concentration while running away from a psycho."
"Her vacant expression with a steel rod through her head is no different from her expression the rest of the time."
"She's already wax."
"With a pole taking out half her brain, who'd know the difference?"
Okay, okay, enough beating up on poor little rich girl Paris.
Heard that the movie is not as good as the book (only rated 3.2 out of 5 on Google), but when is it ever is, especially when the original book is so zany and hilarious?
House of Wax
Yes, I like horror movies, although when I watch a horror movie, I really do get very very scared.
Paris Hilton is in this movie. I'm sorry I keep on mentioning her in this blog. I swear that I don't have an obsession about her or even have much of an opinion about her. However, related to her role in the film (as a hapless victim), Slate's David Edelstein had some funny things to say:
"Her attention span is so short that she can't even maintain her concentration while running away from a psycho."
"Her vacant expression with a steel rod through her head is no different from her expression the rest of the time."
"She's already wax."
"With a pole taking out half her brain, who'd know the difference?"
Okay, okay, enough beating up on poor little rich girl Paris.
Mother's Day Complications
Mother's Day is more complicated for me than for most. I grew up with my stepmother, whom I call "Mom". I didn't even know my biological mother until I was about 8, and then only saw her like once or twice a year.
My biological mother and I are not close, although we get along well and can have a nice time together when we hang out, which is, like, never. She got married to a few different people since she and my dad got divorced and seems always to have a complex love life, although this is all from the grapevines and it's not like I would ever, EVER, ask her about it. Come to think of it, I really don't know that much about her life.
Until a few years ago, my biological mother was living in China, although she did visit me once in the States when I was in middle school. Then she immigrated to the States by marrying a man from North Carolina. The details about this were not clear, but I think they met on the Internet.
I have never met the guy, so I have no idea what he's like. I'm pretty sure my biological mother was not in love with him when she married him, and not sure whether she is in love with him now. For one thing, she NEVER talks about him to me, and I never bring the subject up either. I know she was very unhappy in the first few months after she first got married and came here, and I was very certain that she would divorce the guy the second she got her green card. But somehow, the marriage is still going after 4 years, although she visits China for at least 3 months out of every year without her husband.
I guess technically, her husband would be my stepfather, but I cringe at this thought. I have never met him and only spoke to him on the phone a few times when I call my biological mother, which is not that often.
Anyway, back to Mother's Day. My stepmom is sensitive on the subject of who's my real "Mom", and although she knows that my birth mother and I are not close, she still grumbles about it and gets a little jealous, sort of like how I would grumble or get irrationally jealous about an ex-girlfriend of my boyfriend or something like that.
Usually, I never give my stepmom gifts for Mother's Day. Asian families are not big on this stuff. But this year, I'm wondering whether I should make an exception. The reason is that my biological mother mentioned a few months ago that she wanted to have a T-Shirt that says "Yale Mom", and she wanted me to buy it for her and give it to her, so she can wear it around her town in North Carolina and show off. (She's told all her friends there, and all her friends in China, too, how her daughter is this Ivy League big shot. Apparently, she also shows my pictures around and waits for people to compliment her on how pretty her daughter is. I know, this is a little fucked up and typical for my biological mother).
Since then, she's mentioned the T-Shirt a few times. I was insanely busy in April, so of course I didn't have time to do this. I was also a little offended by the fact that she would ASK FOR A GIFT. Of course, I didn't say this to her. (You may have noticed from my posts that I sometimes have trouble communicating my feelings clearly to people.)
Of course, my stepmother is not happy when she heard about all this. So last night we had a discussion about it, and she was grumbling a little bit. Not a whole lot, but enough to make me feel a little guilty and wonder whether I should get her something nice for Mother's Day.
Anyway, what do YOU think?
My biological mother and I are not close, although we get along well and can have a nice time together when we hang out, which is, like, never. She got married to a few different people since she and my dad got divorced and seems always to have a complex love life, although this is all from the grapevines and it's not like I would ever, EVER, ask her about it. Come to think of it, I really don't know that much about her life.
Until a few years ago, my biological mother was living in China, although she did visit me once in the States when I was in middle school. Then she immigrated to the States by marrying a man from North Carolina. The details about this were not clear, but I think they met on the Internet.
I have never met the guy, so I have no idea what he's like. I'm pretty sure my biological mother was not in love with him when she married him, and not sure whether she is in love with him now. For one thing, she NEVER talks about him to me, and I never bring the subject up either. I know she was very unhappy in the first few months after she first got married and came here, and I was very certain that she would divorce the guy the second she got her green card. But somehow, the marriage is still going after 4 years, although she visits China for at least 3 months out of every year without her husband.
I guess technically, her husband would be my stepfather, but I cringe at this thought. I have never met him and only spoke to him on the phone a few times when I call my biological mother, which is not that often.
Anyway, back to Mother's Day. My stepmom is sensitive on the subject of who's my real "Mom", and although she knows that my birth mother and I are not close, she still grumbles about it and gets a little jealous, sort of like how I would grumble or get irrationally jealous about an ex-girlfriend of my boyfriend or something like that.
Usually, I never give my stepmom gifts for Mother's Day. Asian families are not big on this stuff. But this year, I'm wondering whether I should make an exception. The reason is that my biological mother mentioned a few months ago that she wanted to have a T-Shirt that says "Yale Mom", and she wanted me to buy it for her and give it to her, so she can wear it around her town in North Carolina and show off. (She's told all her friends there, and all her friends in China, too, how her daughter is this Ivy League big shot. Apparently, she also shows my pictures around and waits for people to compliment her on how pretty her daughter is. I know, this is a little fucked up and typical for my biological mother).
Since then, she's mentioned the T-Shirt a few times. I was insanely busy in April, so of course I didn't have time to do this. I was also a little offended by the fact that she would ASK FOR A GIFT. Of course, I didn't say this to her. (You may have noticed from my posts that I sometimes have trouble communicating my feelings clearly to people.)
Of course, my stepmother is not happy when she heard about all this. So last night we had a discussion about it, and she was grumbling a little bit. Not a whole lot, but enough to make me feel a little guilty and wonder whether I should get her something nice for Mother's Day.
Anyway, what do YOU think?
This Article Made My Morning
A MIT grad student is organizing a convention for time travellers, reports the New York Times here.
Here are some notable quotes from the article:
Here are some notable quotes from the article:
[The organizers] contend that theirs is the only time traveler convention the world needs, because people from the future can travel to it anytime they want.
The event is potluck and alcohol-free - present-day humans are bringing things like brownies. But Mr. Dorai's Web site asks that future-folk bring something to prove they are really ahead of our time: "Things like a cure for AIDS or cancer, a solution for global poverty or a cold fusion reactor would be particularly convincing as well as greatly appreciated."
He would also welcome people from only a few days in the future, far enough to, say, give him a few stock market tips.
...
In case their august university does not exist forever, they have posted the latitude and longitude of the East Campus Courtyard (42:21:36.025 degrees north, 71:05:16.332 degrees west).
No future-guests are confirmed as of yet, although one responder purports to be from 2026.
5/05/2005
Reasons I’m Happy Today
- Gorgeous, sunny spring day today.
- One of my favorite people, D, wrote a long and funny email.
- 3 lbs of strawberries left to eat.
- Z leaving!! (see here).
- Weekend starts in less than 24 hours!
- One of my favorite people, D, wrote a long and funny email.
- 3 lbs of strawberries left to eat.
- Z leaving!! (see here).
- Weekend starts in less than 24 hours!
Why Today Is Special
I mean, besides the fact that it's Cinco de Mayo (not that I know what THAT is...)
As pointed out by Matt Drudge:
Today at 5:05:05 am & pm the time will be 05:05:05 05/05/005....
05.05.005 comes only once in 1000 years and coinciding with Thursday (5th Day of the week) comes only once in 7000 yrs...
As pointed out by Matt Drudge:
Today at 5:05:05 am & pm the time will be 05:05:05 05/05/005....
05.05.005 comes only once in 1000 years and coinciding with Thursday (5th Day of the week) comes only once in 7000 yrs...
Double Delight
Boyfriend just got a phone call. One of his tenants (and our neighbor) is having TWINS due in October, and needs to move out ASAP.
This is a single woman in her 30s who works for the development office of my alma mater. Boyfriend didn't ask who the father is, but we are almost certain that she did it artificially.
Wow!
This is a single woman in her 30s who works for the development office of my alma mater. Boyfriend didn't ask who the father is, but we are almost certain that she did it artificially.
Wow!
5/04/2005
Misfire
So there is this employee in my office whom I really hate.
“Z” has been working for a little over 2 months, and had seemed really pleasant and competent during the interview.
After he started working, however, I discovered that he is chatty, sloppy and careless in his work, becomes easily distract with every little thing, takes incessant personal phone calls, and in general requires enormous amount of management time. In other words, totally the wrong personality type to be working in a little start-up like ours.
It got to the point where I dreaded going into the office because managing him is so stressful, which must have partly contributed to my recent depressed mood. Every day I complained bitterly to Boyfriend about him.
Unfortunately, our little start-up’s growth is picking up pace and there is enormous amount of work to do, which is why I put up with his crap. Still, it’s painfully obvious how much less productive he is than other staff and how his unproductiveness infects everyone else, too. He has twenty problems a day that either I or someone else has to baby him through.
But in recent weeks we have a flood of recent graduates applying for summer and full-time positions, and I saw hope on the horizon. Maybe we can let Z go soon! Maybe the office will be a pleasant, fun place again!
Anyway, yesterday, out of the blue, Z said that he wanted to “talk”. So I thought, great, this is a chance to lay it all out there and just fire him.
So today, before our scheduled appointment, I planned my speech. “You and the company are not really a good fit at this point.” I would say. “Seems like you would enjoy a more socially interactive workplace.” “Not everyone enjoys the pressure and tedium of a little start-up.” “The company will enter a transitional period in the next few months where we need a completely different type of staff member.”
I decided to skip the part about him being sloppy, easily distracted, whiny, and hard to manage.
Anyway, it was 5 and our meeting time. Z and I sat awkwardly around the table, and I was about to open my mouth. But he began first.
“I’m really sorry, Buttercup, but I have decided to move back to my hometown and so can only work until the end of May.”
A beautiful, ineffable joy washed over me.
It turned out that Z’s been homesick for a while and would like to live nearer his parents. He was also planning on attending medical school in the fall.
“Oh, yes, family. They are so important!” I gushed.
“You would make an amazing doctor!” I exclaimed.
“I’m so happy for you!” I squealed.
I think Z was taken aback by my sheer, obvious delight, but he chalked it up to my naturally warm and effusive personality.
We chatted about his life and his family after that, during which I repeatedly reassured him that he was making exactly the right choice and that it was not a problem for us at all. When not driving me crazy in the office, Z is actually quite a nice, pleasant, normal guy. Alas, as one of my former evil bosses would say, not everyone is cut out for this kind of work.
I was still on cloud 9 after he left. Boyfriend and I drove to a little Chinese restaurant a few miles away and celebrated over dinner, with me saying in 10-minute intervals: “Z is really leaving!” “He is really leaving!” “And he doesn’t hate me!”
Four hours later, I am still euphoric. Excuse the long post, but isn’t it amazing how one person makes or breaks your (work) life?
“Z” has been working for a little over 2 months, and had seemed really pleasant and competent during the interview.
After he started working, however, I discovered that he is chatty, sloppy and careless in his work, becomes easily distract with every little thing, takes incessant personal phone calls, and in general requires enormous amount of management time. In other words, totally the wrong personality type to be working in a little start-up like ours.
It got to the point where I dreaded going into the office because managing him is so stressful, which must have partly contributed to my recent depressed mood. Every day I complained bitterly to Boyfriend about him.
Unfortunately, our little start-up’s growth is picking up pace and there is enormous amount of work to do, which is why I put up with his crap. Still, it’s painfully obvious how much less productive he is than other staff and how his unproductiveness infects everyone else, too. He has twenty problems a day that either I or someone else has to baby him through.
But in recent weeks we have a flood of recent graduates applying for summer and full-time positions, and I saw hope on the horizon. Maybe we can let Z go soon! Maybe the office will be a pleasant, fun place again!
Anyway, yesterday, out of the blue, Z said that he wanted to “talk”. So I thought, great, this is a chance to lay it all out there and just fire him.
So today, before our scheduled appointment, I planned my speech. “You and the company are not really a good fit at this point.” I would say. “Seems like you would enjoy a more socially interactive workplace.” “Not everyone enjoys the pressure and tedium of a little start-up.” “The company will enter a transitional period in the next few months where we need a completely different type of staff member.”
I decided to skip the part about him being sloppy, easily distracted, whiny, and hard to manage.
Anyway, it was 5 and our meeting time. Z and I sat awkwardly around the table, and I was about to open my mouth. But he began first.
“I’m really sorry, Buttercup, but I have decided to move back to my hometown and so can only work until the end of May.”
A beautiful, ineffable joy washed over me.
It turned out that Z’s been homesick for a while and would like to live nearer his parents. He was also planning on attending medical school in the fall.
“Oh, yes, family. They are so important!” I gushed.
“You would make an amazing doctor!” I exclaimed.
“I’m so happy for you!” I squealed.
I think Z was taken aback by my sheer, obvious delight, but he chalked it up to my naturally warm and effusive personality.
We chatted about his life and his family after that, during which I repeatedly reassured him that he was making exactly the right choice and that it was not a problem for us at all. When not driving me crazy in the office, Z is actually quite a nice, pleasant, normal guy. Alas, as one of my former evil bosses would say, not everyone is cut out for this kind of work.
I was still on cloud 9 after he left. Boyfriend and I drove to a little Chinese restaurant a few miles away and celebrated over dinner, with me saying in 10-minute intervals: “Z is really leaving!” “He is really leaving!” “And he doesn’t hate me!”
Four hours later, I am still euphoric. Excuse the long post, but isn’t it amazing how one person makes or breaks your (work) life?
O Friend, Where Art Thou?
I am thinking of my friend S. A week ago he called from France, in the midst of a relationship crisis with his girlfriend L. They had been together for a year and seemed really really happy, to the point where they moved to France together, so this came as a bit of a shock. We spoke for about an hour before the call was dropped.
The next day S flew back into NYC, contemplating the end of his relationship. We traded long emails. He was really distressed. I talked about my perspective on things, based on my experiences with various exes. He was upset about how things turned out but obviously still very much in love with L.
And then haven’t heard from him in 5 days.
Is he back in France? Are they still together and working things out? I hope so, and hope that he is well.
The next day S flew back into NYC, contemplating the end of his relationship. We traded long emails. He was really distressed. I talked about my perspective on things, based on my experiences with various exes. He was upset about how things turned out but obviously still very much in love with L.
And then haven’t heard from him in 5 days.
Is he back in France? Are they still together and working things out? I hope so, and hope that he is well.
5/03/2005
"Aid"
My financial "aid" award has been finalized. $10K in grants, $30K in loans. If this keeps up in the next 3 years, it means $1,103 / month paid back over 10 years.
Thank God for LIPP.
Thank God for LIPP.
Travesties
The interviewee just left. I think I behaved all right. Phew.
Sam Waterston is coming to a theater in town to do a Tom Stoppard play next week. Tickets are $50. Think I want to go with Boyfriend. Sam used to be my favorite actor (back when L&O was cool and my favorite show), and Tom Stoppard could be my favorite playwright. “Arcadia” remains my favorite, favorite, favorite play, so funny, intelligent, and exquisitely heartbreaking.
Of course, in recent years L&O has become really insipid, less about clever legal maneuvers and more about solving gory murder cases with implausible twists. And why does every single episode have to have at least 5 minutes of Jack McCoy pontificating to the jury? How insulting of our intelligence.
I rather like the new L&O – Trial by Jury, mainly because I think Bebe Neuworth is HOT. Love all these shows with middle-aged women (Jill Hennessy, Bebe Neuworth, Teri Hatcher). Makes me feel hopeful that being 40+ isn’t the end of the world, after all, as previously believed.
Sam Waterston is coming to a theater in town to do a Tom Stoppard play next week. Tickets are $50. Think I want to go with Boyfriend. Sam used to be my favorite actor (back when L&O was cool and my favorite show), and Tom Stoppard could be my favorite playwright. “Arcadia” remains my favorite, favorite, favorite play, so funny, intelligent, and exquisitely heartbreaking.
Of course, in recent years L&O has become really insipid, less about clever legal maneuvers and more about solving gory murder cases with implausible twists. And why does every single episode have to have at least 5 minutes of Jack McCoy pontificating to the jury? How insulting of our intelligence.
I rather like the new L&O – Trial by Jury, mainly because I think Bebe Neuworth is HOT. Love all these shows with middle-aged women (Jill Hennessy, Bebe Neuworth, Teri Hatcher). Makes me feel hopeful that being 40+ isn’t the end of the world, after all, as previously believed.
Early Alzheimer’s
I think I have an interviewee coming in this afternoon, but can’t be sure. Hmmm… Not good.
Yawn
Have been feeling tired and lackadaisical all morning – should really enforce my schedule and go to bed at 11:00, and not stay up to watch Jay Leno! I’m still recovering from my 2-week trip and need at least 9 hours per night.
Sitting in office, writing some memos, and drinking mint tea with honey, which makes me feel slightly better.
Sitting in office, writing some memos, and drinking mint tea with honey, which makes me feel slightly better.
5/02/2005
Angst
Felt unsettled and depressed today after work. Could be just the effect of Mondays. The shock of having to have structure in my day after 2 days of total fluidity. All the uncertainties of next year are also hitting me at random moments lately and freaking me out. Questions that induces acute anxiety, like “Will law school affect my relationship with Boyfriend?” “What if my classmates are all assholes?” “What if I hate the law and/or get horrible grades?” “What is going to happen to the company and who will run it now?” Etc. Etc.
Boyfriend and I talked over some of this over dinner. We went to a new Japanese restaurant in the 9th Square called Miso. We have been there twice so far. Food is really tasty there. Boyfriend had sashimi, and I had tuna teriyaki. Portions were kind of small though. I was still a little hungry after my entrée.
Drove to Costco and Trader Joe's after that. Grocery shopping is always fun with Boyfriend because we love trying new things and it’s fun envisioning our menu for next week. During various phases we’ve been obsessed with Costco’s stuffed flounders, rotisserie chicken, square veggie pizza, Ling Ling dumplings, breaded scallops, and meat lasagna. Our latest crush is those vacuum-packed barbecue ribs. They are tender, juicy, only take 5 minutes to prepare (microwave), and go well with my favorite red wine.
Also got 4 lbs of strawberries over Boyfriend’s objections. He doesn’t like them and thinks that I’ll never finish them by myself. We’ll see about that.
Amazing that after two years, it’s still an adventure to go shopping together. On the drive home, though, anxiety struck again – “What if all this changes next year? Will we be as close as we are now?”
Went home and ate a lot of strawberries. So these important questions are temporality blocked from my mind by berry-euphoria.
Boyfriend and I talked over some of this over dinner. We went to a new Japanese restaurant in the 9th Square called Miso. We have been there twice so far. Food is really tasty there. Boyfriend had sashimi, and I had tuna teriyaki. Portions were kind of small though. I was still a little hungry after my entrée.
Drove to Costco and Trader Joe's after that. Grocery shopping is always fun with Boyfriend because we love trying new things and it’s fun envisioning our menu for next week. During various phases we’ve been obsessed with Costco’s stuffed flounders, rotisserie chicken, square veggie pizza, Ling Ling dumplings, breaded scallops, and meat lasagna. Our latest crush is those vacuum-packed barbecue ribs. They are tender, juicy, only take 5 minutes to prepare (microwave), and go well with my favorite red wine.
Also got 4 lbs of strawberries over Boyfriend’s objections. He doesn’t like them and thinks that I’ll never finish them by myself. We’ll see about that.
Amazing that after two years, it’s still an adventure to go shopping together. On the drive home, though, anxiety struck again – “What if all this changes next year? Will we be as close as we are now?”
Went home and ate a lot of strawberries. So these important questions are temporality blocked from my mind by berry-euphoria.
Stupid Article of the Day
Too Much Writing About Harvard!! Complains this writer from the WSJ, then goes on to write 11 paragraphs about, um, Harvard.
The nod to other non-Harvard universities is flattering, but the overall article is pretty pointless. Sour grapes suspicions aside (which the author himself acknowledges), isn't this article itself guilty of what it's accusing other journalists of doing?
Like I (and 99.8% of readers) would be reading this article at all if it didn't have "Harvard" in the sub-title.
The nod to other non-Harvard universities is flattering, but the overall article is pretty pointless. Sour grapes suspicions aside (which the author himself acknowledges), isn't this article itself guilty of what it's accusing other journalists of doing?
Like I (and 99.8% of readers) would be reading this article at all if it didn't have "Harvard" in the sub-title.
Pay Day
Uncle Sam gave me back the $800+ taxes I overpaid in 2004. Feels like a windfall even though it isn't.
Now I can finally travel in style just like I've always wanted to...
Now I can finally travel in style just like I've always wanted to...
Phone Call
Parents called last night around 10:15, worried. They had gotten a message on their answering machine that sounded creepy, and wanted me to listen to it. (They also thought at first that something bad had happened to me, and were greatly relieved when I picked up the phone).
The message was a lot of heavy breathing, some incoherent words, and screaming. The caller ID was blocked out.
I told my parents that it was definitely a prank. Since it’s around the time for many fraternity initiations, it could even be some drunken frat boy having some fun. I told them to record the time and the date and to keep the message itself. If the prank call happens again, they should contact the police and have the phone company trace these harassing calls.
And to the idiot who wasted 15 minutes of me and my parents’ lives, may you get what you deserve.
The message was a lot of heavy breathing, some incoherent words, and screaming. The caller ID was blocked out.
I told my parents that it was definitely a prank. Since it’s around the time for many fraternity initiations, it could even be some drunken frat boy having some fun. I told them to record the time and the date and to keep the message itself. If the prank call happens again, they should contact the police and have the phone company trace these harassing calls.
And to the idiot who wasted 15 minutes of me and my parents’ lives, may you get what you deserve.
5/01/2005
Fly Away
Boyfriend has been working on our vacation plans all day. (When he gets into a project he is dedicated in this way). We have these American Airline vouchers that we have to use before June 15th, so we now think we are going to take a weeklong vacation somewhere.
Possible destinations we’ve so far considered:
Seattle (mine)
San Diego (his)
Grand Canyon (mine)
Santa Fe (his)
Las Vegas (mine)
Austin (his)
Orlando (mine)
Portland (mine)
San Francisco (mine)
Our latest idea is Colorado. We were in a little town called Crested Butte last May and it was fantastic. No tourists. Breathtaking view. Cheap (relatively) accommodations because hotels are not in season. Perhaps we can find another nice town this time. Because we both have to be able to stay in touch with our offices and staff while away, we need to find a place with wireless Internet connections available.
We’ll probably change our minds in about an hour again, but let’s see whether that works out. Suggestions welcome!
Possible destinations we’ve so far considered:
Seattle (mine)
San Diego (his)
Grand Canyon (mine)
Santa Fe (his)
Las Vegas (mine)
Austin (his)
Orlando (mine)
Portland (mine)
San Francisco (mine)
Our latest idea is Colorado. We were in a little town called Crested Butte last May and it was fantastic. No tourists. Breathtaking view. Cheap (relatively) accommodations because hotels are not in season. Perhaps we can find another nice town this time. Because we both have to be able to stay in touch with our offices and staff while away, we need to find a place with wireless Internet connections available.
We’ll probably change our minds in about an hour again, but let’s see whether that works out. Suggestions welcome!
Pet Peeve
People in the food industry touching the food they are preparing for the customer with their bare hands. I have decided to turn around and walk out of the establishment every time they do this.
Went out for a walk downtown and got ice cream in a waffle cone from Cold Stone Creamery that opened this year on Temple. They didn’t do this, but some other ice cream establishment that I went to yesterday (which shall remain unnamed) did. Gross.
Went out for a walk downtown and got ice cream in a waffle cone from Cold Stone Creamery that opened this year on Temple. They didn’t do this, but some other ice cream establishment that I went to yesterday (which shall remain unnamed) did. Gross.
Saturday Night Dead
Saw some parts of a very un-funny SNL rerun last night with Hilary Swank. I don’t know why they have gotten so bad in recent memory. All the skits I happen to have seen, including the very first one (about Michael Jackson), were unwatchable (whenever the actors feel the need to yell out every line, you know it’s a bad sign). Hilary Swank doesn’t seem to have a funny bone in her, however a fantastic actress she may otherwise be (which I wouldn’t know). All those years of playing martyrs that get beaten to death have made her so sincere that any attempt at irony was just painful.
Comrade Buttercup
Today is May Day, the International Labor Day for Communists and socialists. “International” just meant that back then, when communism was still hip, Soviet Union, Eastern Europe Soviet-bloc countries, China, North Korea, and Cuba all celebrated it. Ah, the good old times.
See? Even though I’m bourgeois, I’m sensitive to the culture of other political systems.
So Happy May Day, proletariats of the world! And don’t forget to unite and lose those shackles!
See? Even though I’m bourgeois, I’m sensitive to the culture of other political systems.
So Happy May Day, proletariats of the world! And don’t forget to unite and lose those shackles!
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