Omg Conflict!

Wow. Today I had my first real argument with a non-parent and non-boyfriend in my adult life. I'm glad I did it, but it left a bad taste in my mouth and I am still thinking about it.

The argument was with a faculty assistant who was very rude to me. I have never had much interaction with this person, but her desk was in the same general area as another faculty assistant with whom I do interact a lot, so I see her a fair amount. She has never been friendly to me. Once she "ordered" me to wait outside when I visited Professor M (I was in the room to look at the clock). And of course, like the nice submissive Asian girl that I am, I left without a word and waited outside.

Anyway.

It started out small, as these things always do (I guess, it's not from experience or anything). I went to look for that other assistant, who was not there. So I went up to her and said "excuse me, sorry to interrupt," then asked her a question as she was standing by the desk of another assistant, talking in a low voice. She gave me a cold look, said "NO, and we are IN THE MIDDLE of something" in an extremely nasty tone. I followed my first instinct, my Asian girl instinct, which was to go away without saying a word, feeling terrible.

As I was riding down in the elevator, I thought more about this and got more angry. Why did she speak to me this way? What right does she have to respond extremely rudely to a polite question? And how could she get away with this? And the answer to that last question was, of course, it's because people like me just walk away silently, and she never gets to suffer the consequences - I don't mean professional consequences of course - I know she was probably in a union and therefore cannot get fired or even reprimanded easily -- but social consequences, which is what usually deters even secretly nasty people from acting out their nastiness in public.

So then, I did something that I still can't believe I did. I mean, if you know me, you probably wouldn't believe that I did this either, sinece I am just about the most non-confrontational person I know. If anything, my problem is that I'm too nice and have a hard time saying no. Well, not today, apparently.

I turned around and walked BACK to her office. She was just walking away from the co-worker's desk, and saw me, and looked a little surprised. I went up to her, and I said: "I just wanted to let you know that you were really rude to me just now, and that was really wrong. I asked you a question nicely and you could have been more civil." I think that's what I said, anyway.

So, if I were more experienced at this (after all, it was the FIRST TIME. Hopefully there will be no next time), I would have turned around at that point and marched out. But alas, I did not, so I got an earful from her. If she was nasty before, she got 10X nastier. "Well, I'M SORRY, but we were in the middle of a VERY IMPORTANT conversation [she waved some papers in her hands around], and you were really rude for INTERRUPTING."

I said: "I asked you something politely, and I apologized for interrupting, and you could have answered more politely." "NO, you were rude. You interrupted us." "I asked you POLITELY, and it was unacceptible for you to speak to me in that tone." "Well, REPORT ME." As you can imagine, this went on for a while.

As I was standing there, arguing with her, I was kind of uncomfortably aware of the fact that we were standing in a room surrounded by professor's offices. Indeed, Prof FM closed his door when voices became more raised. I could see Prof. S. in her office, probably listening to every word. Prof. M's office was right behind me. Yikes. The thought did cross my mind: I can't believe I'm doing this. But then, I think I'm doing the right thing.

Of course, after I left her office and thought more about this, I was as usual wrecked by doubt. I mean, what if the woman's MOTHER was dying or something? Or she was just having a really bad day? Did I really handle this correctly? I thought back to the incident, combing every detail. Was I rude too? (No, at least not at first). Should I have been more calm when I went back to her? (Probably.) Was she rude? (Yes.) What could I have done different? (Oh, let me count the ways...)

I am still not certain I did the right thing. I'm not sure I would have felt worse if I had not gone back to her and told her what I thought. If I had not gone back, the incident would not have been an important incident, and I probably would have forgotten all about it by now.

But sometimes "not feeling worse" did not equal a better solution. Perhaps it was more important to speak my mind and to confront her than to just let go and forget about it. In the end, I guess I am more sure that I did the right thing than I will ever be in a situation like this, which is by its very nature ambiguous and hard to parse. Who was in the right? Who had a better claim? Who should win? Who knows what the answer is? But isn't this just like law? :)

Well, here's my spin on it: I got a little braver. I learned how to deal with, and survive, an extremely unpleasant situation, and that learning experience was entirely by choice. Maybe next time I will be a little defter too, if I ever have to do this again. Maybe next time she will hesitate a bit she is nasty to someone else.

And there, I lost my "adult argument virginity." First time for everything.