In the Thick of It

It was cold as hell here yesterday. Extremely unpleasant to walk outside. I spent much of the day on campus, working in my favorite spots and reading a lot of con law. I have not started my comparative con law exam yet. I did read the question, but that was about all I did. I should start on that ... TODAY!

Last night I went out, in spite of the bitter cold, with S for sushi. I am addicted to salmon sashimi these days, and literally need to eat it every few days. Needless to say, my bank account is rapidly being depleted, and all my friends kind of look at me with amusement.

S and I had a good conversation, and he said some helpful things about which firm I should choose -- whether I should go to the ritzy NY firm that would work me like a slave but look awfully good on the resume, or this competitive and intellectual firm in DC that has a ridiculously prestigious appellate practice. (And the answer is not what you might think).

Speaking of Salmon, after I got home last night, around 3 am or so, when I was feeling really hungry and strangely craving salmon again, I actually tried last night to order some sushi-grade salmon online. I did find some online sellers, but then discovered that the shipping rate is simply outrageous. I also discovered that there is actually a decent fish market for sushi-grade salmon near my house, so perhaps I will pay them a visit in the next few days (or even today if the craving hits).

In other news, on Thursday I went to the health clinic for my sleep problem. The doctor (not sure she's a doctor, actually. Could be just a nurse?) prescribed some new sleep medication, so I will be off ambien and hopefully off the weird blackouts and bizarre behavior. The clinician and I also just talked about my life in general. I have a theory that my sleep problem is anxiety related, and the clinician appeared to agree with me, and recommended either anti-anxiety medication or some therapy. I told her I would have to think about these options. She agreed that my life appears to be under control and going well, so neither option was really required, but she nonetheless thought it may be helpful.

It's kind of ironic also because I think this period in my life is the happiest I have had in years. I am nearly always in an okay, if not upbeat, mood. I like my work. I enjoy school. I love my friends. It's true that there are potentials for instability, but I don't think that can ever be eliminated from my life. On the other hand, my anxiety (mostly about work, I think, but also about life choices and relationship issues) does seem to manifest itself mostly in my sleep patterns. Sleep has never been easy for me. Even in the best of times, it required planning. In stressful times, it's a major obstacble to me enjoying life.

So perhaps I should deal with it. On the other hand, who has the time to go to therapy? And I have always been extremely uncomfortable with the idea of artificially changing my brain chemistry. It makes me feel so... inauthetic. SF was on anti-anxiety medication for a while, and when I asked him about it, he told me that the drug made him relaxed but detached, and it was hard for him to feel love. That sounds awful to me. I want to feel love, even at the risk of being anxious, insecure, or miserable. (Not that love is only those things, or even mostly those things. Okay I should shut up now before I say things that are even stupider.)

I am now sitting in the dining hall, wearing my elf-hat that I got in Finland, reading con law, drinking a cup of Earl Grey, and staring at two lemon bars that I am resolved not to eat. Yay for self control.